The Doern Lately

Happy Birthday Papa.

2011-02-14T17:51:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Papa.

I know that you aren't "here", but I had to put some of my thoughts down.

I miss you like crazy. When buying Valentines Day Cards I automatically went to the birthday card section - it's your birthday too. I always wanted to make sure that you got birthday cards, even though it was valentines day. Sort of like kids born on Christmas, I wanted to make sure you never got gipped.

I wish you had met your granddaughter. I wish I'd had more time with you. I know I got out there every time I could, but I always regret not being there more. I spent so little time with you as a child, I wanted to make up for it. I'm so glad I made you a priority in my adult life.

The "you" I remembered as a kid was a grouchy, grumpy old man. I remember you and Grandma kicking us out of the house, no matter how cold or hot it was. "Kids shouldn't be underfoot". I remember you smoking way too much, and drinking a lot. I remember trips in your car to a drive through liquor mart and getting a pretzel stick and loving it.

My first interaction with you as an adult, was begrudging. You were sick and Joy and Pam wanted to see you put in a nursing home, and you didn't want to go. So, I packed up my life and moved in with you. I hated the smoking and remember arguing with you over your smoking while we were eating dinner (which eventually I won.)

I remember realizing that you still were in love with Grandma then too. Every single thing I did, I did wrong, I had to do it like her. Whether it was ironing your clothes, washing windows, or cooking stew. It had to be done the way Grandma did it. At first it was irritating. I was not Grandma, but then I realized how awesome it was, now days people hardly stay married and in love for a week, you stayed married a lifetime, and loved her till the day you died. You, Papa, YOU showed me that love can last forever.

The more I got to know you, the more my images were shattered. You were a grumpy grouch, yes. At the same time you had a sense of humor I never would have guessed. You said hurtful things sometimes, and when I finally got up the courage to ask why, you said because people deserved to know the truth about things. You loved trying new things, which was neat in an old guy. I remember telling you I was having gastric bypass surgery and you absolutely not wanting me to do it, telling me you "forbid" me to have it, because you didn't want me to get hurt... I think that was the first time I realized how much you cared about me. I remember calling you to find out what the bird was in our yard that was pretending to be hurt to draw us away from it's nest, and you KNOWING what it was. You told me how to keep rabbits out of my garden, and about a Grandma I barely knew.

I'm glad I got to know you, I'm glad I loved you enough to miss you. As much as it hurts, I will never regret knowing you.

One of the things that broke my heart the most at your funeral wasn't your passing. It was the fact that there was a room full of people who were your family that had no idea who you were. They didn't know you'd quit smoking, or stopped drinking. I don't think they had any idea you could tell a joke. They had never sat on the floor in front of your spot on the couch while you told story after story about your old photo's. I cried for them, I remember Kelley comforting me as a I cried for them saying, "they don't even know what they lost", and knowing it was true.

Take care Papa, we miss you. I know you are up there with my baby boy, Christopher, and I know you are taking care of him. Do me a favor and hold his hand, make sure looks both ways as he crosses the streets of Heaven.

Squish is here!

2010-05-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

Okay - I know this is a little bit late for most of you, but it's been a busy week!

A lot of you knew that I kept thinking May 28th was going to be the day. Kelley put it best when he was telling someone "Tammy got one of her feelings, and when she gets one of her feelings you listen to her" - or something like that.

I went in for my NST on Friday morning. Things were looking okay, other than Kaitlyn being a tad bit lazy. We were having some trouble getting her to wiggle - but it was nap time after all, I mean what did we expect? The nurse in charge of the NST and I were talking and I told her that I had a feeling Kaitlyn was coming out today. After the NST went a bit she came in and told me not to drink any more she didn't trust my daughter, but trusted my intuition. Then Dr. Terai came in and let me know she was a little bit concerned, there were a few heart decelerations that had her worried. They weren't scary or anything, just something that had never happened on a NST with Kaitlyn before.

Dr. Terai called Dr. Dixon's office, wanting to see if he would come evaluate me at the hospital (I was there for the NST). My appointment was scheduled for 1pm with him that afternoon for the growth scan. She was hoping since I was on his schedule any way he would run over when he was done with patients and check me there. Dr. Terai wasn't 100% comfortable with me getting off of the monitoring or being discharged from the hospital. Funny thing is - this was about the time I started feeling the contractions that had been showing up like clockwork every 10 minutes. Dr. Dixon explained he did not have time to run over, had my NST faxed over for him to look at. The NST was stable then - and had been for an hour, so he said to discharge me in time for me to make it to my appointment with him, and he'd evaluate me there.

I got to my appointment with Dr. Dixon right at 1pm. They started the growth scan and Squish wasn't much bigger, and as I thought was still in breech position. Dr. Dixon came in to take a look and they also checked my amniotic fluid - they score amniotic fluid levels in the uterus on a scale of 5 to 18 (I think) or maybe 1-20 but 5 is the lowest they consider safe for a baby. My amniotic fluid was at 6. Dr. Dixon said he wanted to make a few phone calls, to sit tight and he'd be back. He came back in the office and said it looked like today was the day. I was to leave there and head to the hospital for a c-section that evening.

I left the appointment and called Kelley, asked him if he minded leaving work a little bit early... so he headed up to the hospital. I will admit that as we arrived in the hospital parking lot it hit me - I'm having a baby. I mean really, was I READY to have a baby? Uhm... NO. The house wasn't clean, the nursery wasn't done, I was just sort of guessing I might know how to breast feed, my birthing classes were supposed to start on June 5th! I was NOT ready to have a baby! Kelley said I should have thought about that, say, 9 or 10 months before that?

I get to the hospital, Mom is out in the waiting room with Gino waiting for a friend to come pick him up and watch him. (THANK YOU JEN!) Kelley got to the hospital, and came back to hang out with me. My c-section had been scheduled at the end of the day, there were 2 surgeries ahead of me. They wanted to make sure given the NST and such that they had nothing else going on around my c-section in case it ended up being eventful. (Is my life ever not?) Mom came back after Jen (THANK YOU AGAIN!) picked up Gino - and we just sort of hung out. A few of the nurses new me and came to say hi and say congrats on getting there...

The C-section and rest story will come tomorrow! (It's time to pump and then hit the hay!)

Never a dull moment...

2010-05-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

Well my testing is scheduled for tomorrow. I have a NST at 9am, and then Kaitlyn's follow up growth ultrasound set for 1PM. I kept figuring things would happen tomorrow.

I've been having contractions for almost two weeks now. I've never felt any of them really, I mean now and then I'd have a decent one, but none of them bothered me.

During one of my million trips to the bathroom last night I had a contraction I felt, and it was like "huh, I think I've felt one each time I've been up, cool." That was it. About 3am I got up and had two while I was awake, no biggie. I woke up at 4am and had one that hurt clear through to my back (back labor contractions are soooo fun). Not much later I had another one. A light bulb goes off - maybe I should be keeping track of these things. So I watch the clock. Come to find out I'm having decent contractions every 6-8 minutes.

In my mind I'm going - these don't hurt that much, I could just wait till they hurt. I don't want to wake Kelley and waste his time for nothing. Then another thing occurs to me - my doctor said I was close and things could happen any day now. He also said if I started having regular contractions not to mess around because the cerclage could rip my cervix apart.

I finally decide to wake Kelley up. I tap him on the shoulder and ask him when he gets up for work. He tells me 5:15am - I asked him how set he was on going in to work this morning. He was still 90% asleep and asked why. I told him I was having contractions every 6-8 minutes. He sort of grunted and rolled over a bit to go back to sleep. I think it occurred to him a few seconds later when her turned and asked me what that meant. Was sort of cute. I let him know I could get mom to drive me, but I'd prefer him.

So we get to the hospital, I get hooked up and the nurse tells me I'm not having any contractions. I was a little bit peeved. I was out of bed at 5am, woke Kelley up early, and he's missing work and I'm not having contractions? I simply couldn't believe it. Then I had a really good contractions that I KNEW was a contraction. It didn't show up on her monitor. At the same time Kaitlyn's heart rate dropped during the contraction as well. So the nurse came back and I told her that with Christopher it didn't pick the contractions up because they are 95% in my back - or at least thats what I guess. I described the contractions to her and asked her to move the monitor... she did.

I've also been leaking some fluid, she checked me internally to make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid, and then went to talk to the doctor on call. She came back a little bit later and apologized, said I WAS having contractions every 6-8 minutes that were lasting 30 seconds to a minute. (I said so). They decided to give me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions, which worked. The contractions stopped and I was let go home.

Good news is Kaitlyn was super active, wiggling away in there, and her heart rate looked great. The nurse was even impressed at her activity level.

I've had a few contractions today, but nothing major. Kelley didn't have to take the whole day off - and Squish is still squished in my tummy. I don't think she's happy about it. She's been nice and feisty all day. Lets just say that when she is in the mood her little feet can hit some places that hurt pretty darn good.

As I said tomorrow is the day for the testing. I'm hoping she's grown a bit - even a little bit. Just enough to count and measure it. Enough for them to let her decide when it's time for her to be born. At the same time if she's not doing well then I hope they decide to take her out and let her do better on the outside. We will see. I think it's also going to be interesting finding out if she's still breech or not. I think she is, but I also know she's been moving a lot and I can't quite feel how she is sitting in there. If she hasn't turned, chances are that she's not going to.

I'm also hoping to find out what's going on with my cerclage. I'm dilated a bit even with it in, so not sure what will happen when it's clipped. I guess I just can't have a regular boring pregnancy?

It's all in God's hands though. He could pack 2 pounds on her tonight if He wants to, turn her on a dime, or send me into labor tonight.

In other news it's a year now since my hospitalization and emergency surgery. When they redid my internal bowel hernia and moved my insides all about. Sort of bittersweet to know that they went through so much to keep Christopher safe and we lost him anyways, and here I am waiting to go any labor any day with Kaitlyn.

I'll update when I can, as soon as I can. Might be getting baby pictures tomorrow night, or a hey they are letting me stay pregnant! We shall see. Just can't be bored with Squishes.

5/25/10 - Update "Any day now"

2010-05-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

Squish passed her NST. I will say these tests are anything but boring with her. The tests are supposed to take about 20-30 minutes and normally take about an hour with my little girl. It takes forever just to get her hooked up, with her kicking and punching away from the heart monitor. Today was even more fun - their machine wasn't picking up her heart rate all the time even though we could hear it perfectly. THEN there were times it decided it wanted mine instead and would put that up there. When the fetal heart rate is about 130-160 and mine in the 60 I think it sort of messes up the test.

We also found out that I'm having quite a few contractions. None of them seem like much to me, but they are showing up good on their contraction monitor. The fun part of this that when you are having certain contractions your stomach hardens, which makes it really hard to get the heart rate of the baby... so it was messing it up more. Then after a particularly nasty contraction (that really hurt my back) they had to find her all over again.

Another thing was that today they did the "group b strep test" it's a test for (duh) group b strep. If I'm a carrier it will just mean that they give me antibiotics during delivery to keep Squishes from getting it. While he was doing that since I've been having contractions and cramping and some other things he felt my cervix. I was told that I'm dilated through the cerclage - meaning that even with the cerclage in place my cervix is open a bit. Kaitlyn is also really really low and dropped down. Dr. Edwards said that I could go into labor at any moment... and not to mess around when I do.

If I go into labor before the cerclage comes out I have to get in and get it cut ASAP to keep it from ripping my cervix. Dr. Edwards also said that it didn't feel like a head down by my cervix - which means our rotten little princess is probably still breech (which they don't expect to change) - and means I'll be c-sectioned.

My next appointments are on Friday - which is when I figure things are going to happen. I have a NST in the morning and then a growth check on Kaitlyn's size that afternoon. I'm still expecting them to decide it's time for her to come out then. If not I was told to demand a cerclage removal date - and that it's in my notes it needs to come out. I was also told to expect labor to start when the cerclage is taken out...

Labor and delivery is whenever Kaitlyn decides. It could be tonight, Friday, or two weeks. I know he said "any day now" but I know of women who have been dilated and dropped and ended up induced weeks later. We will see!

Friday sure was interesting! (May 21, 2010)

2010-05-23T18:44:00.001-07:00

Well, as the title says, Friday was an interesting day.

Kaitlyn decided she was going to be difficult, and difficult she was. The day started off just fine, Kaitlyn being herself, sticking to her normal schedule of awake and asleep time.

Mom decided to take me to my NST that was scheduled for that afternoon. We decided to eat out while we were out, then hit Walmart for a few things. Which we did. We ate about 11:30am, my NST was scheduled at 1:15pm.

We get to the NST and Squish decided it was nap time, she slept through the whole thing. Well, it's hard to pass a test when you sleep through it. So the doctor ordered a bio-physical profile - which Kaitlyn also decided she was sleeping through. We tried waking her up and she was having none of it.

The doctor told me to go get something with sugar, caffeine, and that was cold - then head to the hospital for another NST and bio-physical profile. I downed 1/2 a can of coke and headed over. Squish was wide awake for the NST - she passed with flying colors. The coke had her wide awake (it was about 4pm at this time). The sonographer gets up to labor and delivery to do the bio-physical profile and Kaitlyn falls right back to sleep.

The poor guy was there for 45 minutes trying to get her to move. Without her waking up and moving she would fail the profile, and if she failed the profile she was getting pulled out. Also, with her failing the profile it would mean an automatic c-section because they couldn't be sure she would survive a vaginal delivery.

I'm starting to get worried. If you've read this thing at all you know Kaitlyn is not the lazy baby we all would love to have. She's an over-actor and loves to punch and bounce and kick and beat me up. She loves to wiggle her way through everything and make getting things done as difficult as possible. I was starting to freak out a bit, okay, not a bit. At the same time, we've made it to 35 weeks - I'm 36 weeks now, I told her she was grounded until 35 weeks, so if it came down to them pulling her out, I was okay with that.

Good news is that, finally, at the end of the bio- 40 minutes after it started (the most they let it last is 45) Squish did a little bit of wiggling and was given a 8/8 on her bio. ROTTEN ROTTEN little girl!

After talking to the nurses, by now it was 5:30pm - they told me to eat and get some sugar in me and if she didn't wake up then to come back in. The assumption was that it had been 5 hours since I'd eaten, my blood sugar was probably low. They figured that the coke gave her a sugar spike and then it plummeted back down, which was why I was exhausted and she was sleeping.

We ate, and then she perked right up and so did I. So once again, we scraped by our tests, and we got to keep her in just a tad bit longer.

We have another NST scheduled for Tuesday. Then a growth scan scheduled Friday morning, and a NST for Friday afternoon. I have a feeling that Squish is probably going to be coming soon - I don't think she'll have grown that much as of Friday and they will be deciding to pull her out. I'm hoping I'm wrong because it means she's not thriving, but we will see.

In news about me:
-I'm here. :)
-I feel like a beached whale 95% of the time, and the other 5% of the time I feel like a really fat beached whale.
-For those guys who think that pregnant women have it easy - try strapping a beach ball to your belly that weighs 30 pounds and doing all your regular activities with it there. Just getting out of bed in the middle of the night is a feat sometimes. I have to move my legs then try to move my beach ball to the edge of the bed, THEN try heft me AND the 30 pound beach ball out of bed.
-I'm planning on having mom take some maternity pictures of me tomorrow to have them. Now that's a plan, not a sure thing.
-My back is killing me - I'll be honest with that. Squish has learned how to move just right and put pressure in all the "right" spots with my back. She squirms just right and it feels like she's trying to kill me sometimes. She also has this neat trick learned where she can hiccup and hit both of my sciatic nerves at the same time. LOADS of fun. The thing is - if it means having this little girl safely and happily in our lives, it's all worth it.
-I'm starving all the time again, but Squish is getting more and more finicky over what she'll let me eat. If she gives me a craving then it's either eat that, or eat nothing. It's a good thing she has yet to give me something I couldn't get to for a craving.

Snickers are not night time food...

2010-05-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

I found out last night that no matter how badly you want a snickers bar if you want any sleep (and are pregnant) do not eat it just prior to (trying to) go to sleep.

It never occurred to me how the sugar would hit Squish. It's probably the most sugar I've had in one sitting in two years - I thought it might upset my stomach, but never thought about Squishes. Turns out that a Snickers bar turns my daughter into a jumping bean. A jumping bean with really good arms and legs and feet that like to kick. I *tried* to go to sleep around 9:30pm - about 20 minutes after the Snickers... it was "wow she's moving a lot for this late at night". She just kept jumping and jiggling.

It wasn't until about 10:30pm that I started wondering where she got all this energy from. At about 11pm, my poor uterus getting super sore from the battering ram that was beating it to smithereens I starting wondering what my daughter was on that had her so frisky. At about midnight it dawned on me - DUH! snickers bar + baby = super hyper baby and no sleep.

She finally calmed down around 1am. So, I can say I have learned my lesson - no candy bars just before bedtime, no matter how good they sound. At the same time, I should bring a candy bar with me to her NST's and other tests in case she's thinking of sleeping through them. That or I decide to make the sonographer's work really hard and want to watch them struggle with my little super bouncy ball.

5/14 Could be 6 weeks, could be 2 days...

2010-05-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

As of right now things with Squish are up in the air.

I posted two weeks ago about our last cervical length check, and the growth scan done on April 30th. A quick concise is that Squish was measuring smaller than they'd like, and not having shown any growth over a two week period. They also scheduled twice weekly NST's - and I posted about that as well.

Today was our follow up growth scan. I can tell you that I was nervous. I've had a feeling over the past few days that Squish is going to be on her way in the next two weeks. I even have my hospital bag mostly packed and ready to go - just in case.

Things today were not any better. Squish hasn't shown any real growth still. She is now measuring at only the 8th percentile. They gave me an estimate of about 4 pounds 8 ounces. There are a few things that are sort of in our favor. One is that the due date they perinatologist is using is 9 days earlier than the one that my regular OB is using. (I ovulated 9 days later than normal women do, the peri was using the day of my last period to base my due date on.) The other is that Squish is still in the breech position - the peri today explained to me that the averages they are using are based on babies measurements head down. When babies are breech their head measurements tend to run slightly smaller due to the angle of the ultrasound machine. The peri did also say that her stomach and femur measurements were small as well, but the head measurement would give us a little bit more weight. Both of those could be to our favor making her small, but not as small as she appears. It doesn't mean she's in good shape, just not necessarily as bad as it appears. (We'll take every little bit we can get, right?)

The good news is that Squish passed her bio-physical profile done during the ultrasound with flying colors. I think the ultrasound tech would have preferred her to not pass so well. Squish was wiggling and shaking up a storm during the sonogram - so (as usual) the measurements were taking longer than they should have. At one point it was chase that femur bone (thigh) bone as she kicked and wiggled. The bio-physical profile measures her heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and amniotic fluid - it's used to evaluate the overall health of the baby in the womb. We scored and 8 out of 8. That is great news. They also watch to check on Squish while she is in there and she was taking tons of practice breaths, which is great news! Just shows that all her hiccups are from her breathing and breathing over and over in there!

So what else did they say? Squishes is small. They are keeping a very close eye on her now. If Squish hadn't passed her bio with flying colors, she would have been pulled out. If at any point she does poorly on her NST she's getting pulled out of there. If she slows her movement down, she's getting pulled out. Right now it's all up to Squish, and how well she does. Their main concern is to make sure that she is in the best place for growth and maturing. If Kaitlyn doesn't improve her growth between now and the next growth scan - they will be taking her out. Some babies do better outside of the womb for whatever reason than they do inside.

Do they know why she's not growing? No. It could be a million things. They said awhile ago that it could be something to do with my gastric bypass surgery. It could be something with her umbilical cord - as far as they could see it's moving nutrients fine, but they can't tell everything. It could be a placenta problem... or any number of things. They don't know what it is. I was told to up my water in take, to eat as much as I can, and get in as many calories as possible, I've been making sure to sleep on my side (it helps blood and nutrient flow to the baby). There isn't much else we can do.

So - the next thing - I had a NST scheduled today also. Squish did NOT pass this NST with flying colors... she got a "so-so" score. I can honestly say that I don't think this one was as accurate as it could have been. Kaitlyn was wiggling and shaking the entire time, never really calming down for even a little bit. The test works by getting a baseline heart rate, and then when she moves, monitoring her rate increase against that. They like to see it increase 10-15 or more when she moves and wiggles. With her heart rate being up already, getting it up 15 more wasn't quite happening. She could get it up 10, but wasn't keeping it up 15 for very long. She didn't fail the test, or do too poorly, and she was moving a ton (a great sign) so he said we are just going to watch her.

So, it all comes down to whether or not we can get Squish to behave, and grow. I'd love for her to grow some more, and to bake a little bit longer, at the same time if this is God saying "it's time for her to enter the world" so be it. I trust that God will and has given the doctors the tools and the knowledge to make the best choices they can for her. It all comes down to God and Kaitlyn. I'm keeping a good "feel" for her movement, but she makes it pretty obvious she's wiggling and grooving in there. We are doing what we can for her, and getting as prepared as we can.

I know so many of you already are, but please, continue to keep us in your prayers. I'd really like to keep her baking longer, just because her brain isn't fully developed yet, right now it's only about 70% formed compared to what it would be at 37-40 weeks. She's also less than 5 pounds, and they don't normally allow babies under 5lbs 8oz to go home. I'd rather her not spend a lot of time in the NICU.

Thank you to everyone, for your thoughts, prayers, good wishes, and the things we've gotten for Squish.

NST - Non-Stress Test

2010-05-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

So today Kaitlyn and I had our first "NST" it's a "Non-Stress Test". Today was the first of twice-weekly NST's that we will be having until Squish is born. The primary reason NST's are done is to make sure that your baby's heart rate is reacting properly to their movement and stimulus. Basically it takes adequate oxygen for the baby to move properly, and for the heart to react properly to the babies movement. A bad NST could be a sign of problems with the placenta or umbilical cord. The NST's will also help us make sure that Squish is fine, even if she is small. It's sort of like reassurance that even if she isn't growing much, she is doing okay in me.

I was a little nervous, not sure exactly what would be happening during the test, and how. We found out today.

Basically I got taken over to a little cubical type thing at Sun Life (my regular OB office). They sat me in this nice recliner and hooked me up to two different machines. One of the machines was for monitoring, and seeing if I was having contractions. The other was a machine that monitored Squishes heart rate and printed it out on paper. They also gave me a cord hooked up to the heart rate monitor, it had a button and each time I felt Squishes move I had to press the button.

It took the nurse a little bit to get the heart monitor in the spot where it picked up Kaitlyn's heart rate consistently. I still ended up having to hold the monitor in place and angle it to keep track of it.

I can honestly say it was great getting to sit there for 1/2 hour, just listening to Squishes little heart beat. It's a sound that meant so much up until the end with Christopher, and hearing it so strong and constant is incredible. The other awesome thing was listening to how her heart rate changed as she got to wiggling. Her resting heart rate was 135-140 (or so says the machine) - when she got to really wiggling it got all the way up in the 170's. I can't say how neat it was to not just feel, but hear the movement in her heart beat.

I'm thinking next time I'm in there I'll try to see if I can get my cell phone to take a video of it - that way I can share the sound of her heart beat with everyone.

We passed the test with flying colors. So Squish is already an honor student.

We have another NST on Friday, and one each Tuesday and Friday from now on.

33 weeks! We're measuring a little tiny...

2010-05-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

April 30, 2010

Well, I had yet another cervical length check today. (I know I have been really bad about posting here for a long time... I blame it on Squishes - turns out if I listen to people she's an excuse for EVERYTHING.)

Anyways - yes, another appointment to get my cervical length checked, and to check on Kaitlyn's growth. The good news is that my cervix grew - yes - GREW. I went from 12mm two weeks ago on the 16th (very very bad, almost hospitalization bad) to 20mm today. 20mm isn't good - they like numbers of 30mm-40mm. 25mm is considered the danger zone. BUT my cervix grew. I really have to thank my mom for that. She's been such a huge blessing here, constantly reminding me to stop doing this or that, and doing lots of things I've been doing that I shouldn't have been.

Turns out, I couldn't just get good news. Nope. Squish likes her attention - so she's got to be a little drama queen. I got worrisome news. I didn't get what her weight/measurements were, but Kaitlyn is only measuring at the 14th percentile. Which means that 86% of babies at 33 weeks are bigger than she is - she's measuring tiny. She has barely grown any at all since the 16th. There are a few different things that can mess with her growth. One is that my body simply isn't processing things correctly, so I am working my best at eating more, and more often. (You can ask, I'm already gnawing at the walls and such, I'm eating!) Another is that the placenta isn't doing something right, then is the chance that the umbilical cord isn't transferring nutrients to her correctly (could be pinched, or pressed, or just slow), it could be somehow blood simply isn't getting to her the way it should, or he mentioned (I have never heard of this) that there is a possibility that the cerclage is restricting bloodflow to her somehow. I got back in two weeks for another growth scan - and if things still aren't looking good they will order further testing, and there is talk of the cerclage coming out, or if they decide Squish will do better outside of me they will pull her out.

On top of this worrying news - this would be the one time in Kaitlyn's existence she decided to be lazy. Go figure. They were worried over her lack of growth so they wanted to check her movement and make sure she was practicing breathing and such. KELLEY's rotten little girl refused to budge. We tried everything, my belly looked like a bowl of jello in the middle of a level 9 earth quake with all the wiggling, bouncing we were doing and she just kept on sleeping. We got her to stretch a few times, sort of like she said that's irritating, I'm going back to bed. We tried really cold water (that normally gets her up turning my bladder to a pulp) - nothing. The sonographer was watching for signs that she was practicing breathing - in 30 minutes we only got 4-5 breathes, not good. At least we got that, but it wasn't good. She said that based on the fact I had a bad night, Squish might just be tired and comfy. Since she was moving, her heart looked good, and they did get some breathing they told me to give it a couple hours.

If in 2 hours she hadn't woken up and started moving her normal amount I was to head into labor and delivery to possibly be admitted, at the least get hooked up and have her checked out. I asked if I needed to be worried - they said that IF she didn't start moving like normal soon, then just to go get her checked out. IF they were worried, I would already be on the way to the hospital - but she could she just be in a lazy mood. I told the sonographer about how often she gets the hiccups - I'd read they only get the hiccups from practicing breathing - she confirmed it and said that if she gets the hiccups we are golden. I won't lie - I was freaking out. I was doing my best to not freak out, and it wasn't working. I mean my little brat who always moves and wiggles wasn't wiggling.

So... we decided maybe she needs some sugar, caffeine, and food - we head to Taco Bell (yum - taco bell.....) I eat, and about 10 minutes later the little bratty whirlwind is turning my insides to mush with all her moving. Go figure. 45 minutes at the doctors office and nothing - we beg, we plead, princess sleeps. I have to go pee - so she starts kicking ... Still no hiccups - so I'm going - so she's moving but she's not practice breathing - if they have to pull her she NEEDS to be breathing. Then she gets the hiccups. I must have ended up with the stupidest, biggest grin in the world on my face right then.

Now I'm actually keeping a hiccup log, and a movement count log. They told me awhile ago to set aside an hour period a few times ago and to count 10 movements in an hour, if I don't get them drink something cold and sugary and start over. Well with Squishes, I get 10 kicks in a minute, so it was easy. Now I'm being paranoid - so I'm setting aside 10 minute sessions here and there and counting her karate chops - forget waiting the whole hour. I was up to 45 some-odd beatings to random organs in 10 minutes last night.... I'm also writing down each time I feel her get the hiccups, and how long it lasts. I can tell you that she does NOT like the hiccups - every 3rd or 4th one she does a little freak-out dance like she's trying to fight them away. I can't say that I blame her - I'm not to big on them either.

So, things are better, and worrier. My cervix is longer (yay!) but she's measuring small. I suppose we shall see in two weeks how we are doing. I have heard that fetal measurements can be off pretty often, so I could go in two weeks and be told I have a massive baby girl! She's measured smallish the entire pregnancy, so her being a bit smaller isn't a big deal, I just want to make sure she's growing like she should be. So keep her in your prayers! GROW SQUISH GROW! Good news is - she might be small but she sure is feisty!

Shower, Registry, Squish and me too!

2010-04-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

Kelley and I have been getting quite a few questions about all things Squish lately. I figured that this would be the best way to get them answered all at once.

Kaitlyn's Baby Shower Info:
Date: May 1st, 2010 (Saturday)
Time: 2:00PM - 6:00PM
Where: Countryside Community Club
9151 N Bald Eagle
Tucson, Arizona 85742

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RSVP as soon as possible! You can RSVP by emailing or sending me a message via facebook. From what I'm hearing most people have gotten their invites over the past week or so. You can also call Candace (the amazing woman throwing us the shower) at 520-471-8531 to RSVP. The shower is coed, and if you have kids they are welcome, we just really need to know how many to expect so we can plan food and such.

Are we registered anywhere?

Yes. Kelley and I have registered.
We are registered at Wal-Mart, Target, and Amazon.com. You can view and select items for all three via the internet, you can also shop in store at Wal-Mart and Target. The information for all three is pretty easy to find our registry. Use Tammy Doern or Kelley Doern as the registrant name. State, of course, is Arizona. If you need to know Kaitlyn's due date is June 19th, 2010.

Does the nursery have a theme? Do you have likes or dislikes?

After looking around for awhile Kelley and I decided to have a jungle themed nursery. We fell in love with the Fisher-Price "Rain Forest" collection, and it's partner the "Precious Planet" collection (also by Fisher-Price). It has the bright, bold colors we were looking for, it has gotten great safety reviews, and awesome reviews from parents. We've registered for a lot of those items.

We have also registered for the Dr. Brown's line of bottle products - reflux and GERD runs in my family and those are the bottles that helped both of my nephews out.

Sensitive skin runs in the family also, and mom says that Pampers were the only diapers that didn't make us break out, so we also registered for the Pampers "Swaddlers" diapers. (The dry-max diapers are thinner and more earth friendly for those interested.)

I have yet to register for many clothes, and will be adding some. At the same time I figured if people saw something they liked they didn't need me to tell them it was cute. Just please keep in mind that babies grow up in size very quickly - there are so many hours in a day to have her newborn clothes.

How is Squish doing?

Squish is a firecracker. She is definitely keeping me on my toes. I never knew that babies would have personalities before they were born, but Kaitlyn definitely does. She is a very finicky baby.

The funny thing is that her nickname is "Squish" and it is one thing she absolutely hates - she cannot stand being 'squished' in any form. If my pant waist is pushing in on her she freaks out, if my seat belt gets tight she fights it. Just my leaning up against the counters to clean the back, and that bit of counter pushing on her gets her throwing punches. We have a fetal heart monitor (to listen to her heartbeat) and you tighten it up against your belly, that was the first time I SAW her kicks outside, she was beating that thing to pieces from the inside.

How is mommy doing?

I'm doing good so far. I've considered myself really lucky in the cervix department until here lately. I managed, despite the incompetent cervix, to get so far without being on strict bed rest the whole time. I've gotten by, until this point, by just taking it as easy as I can manage.

My last cervical length sucked, it's down to 1.6cm - not good. I was told in the beginning that 2.5cm was a "dangerous" cervical length... so I'm a little bit lower than dangerous. I was hoping I had heard them wrong, but after my doctor appointment today it was confirmed, my cervical length sucks. The good news is that there is no funneling, and the cerclage is still holding strong, doing it's job. The bad news is that I'm now allowed no more than an hour a day on my feet, and I was told in no more than 15 minute sections - and to try to avoid the on my feet time as much as possible. So, the couch, bed and my rear who were on friendly terms before, are going to be getting even better acquainted. (yay!?)

I am 30 weeks now - 2 weeks beyond "gravy" but not close to the safe zone. If Kaitlyn insisted on coming into the world now she would have a very good chance of making it - she would also end up with minimal disabilities. At the same time I plan on keeping her baking until 35 weeks, even if that means duct taping my cervix closed. (I really do think it's something they should consider, duct tape fixes everything right?) If I can hold her captive until 35 weeks they will allow her to be delivered here in Casa Grande, if she comes before then she will have to spend a lot of time at Tucson Medical Center in the NICU, and I would rather her not have to spend her first while hooked up to machines.

Thank you everyone, for your continued thoughts and prayers. I also ask that you please keep us in them. Every day that she stays put is another blessing, it means she gets to grow a little more, we get to pretend that we are making progress in the baby gear department and getting the nursery set up, and she gets to develop more. Also, keep Kelley and his sanity in your thoughts - poor guy has to put up with me, pregnant, hormonal, and now on most strict bed rest.

If you know anyone who would want to know this information, feel free to pass this on!

Kisses, love and fate.

2010-04-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

The first thing I want to say is that yes, I have been slacking in the blogging department. I'm fully well aware of that fact. Truth be told I have a few 1/4 done blogs - and then I got distracted with something (pretty easy to do) and stopped. I WILL be finishing those soon, I think.

The reason I'm writing today is that this is a special day for me. Today is April 9th, 2010. I thought the important day was yesterday, but after looking through some old emails/writing I realized today was the day.

10 years ago today was the day my life changed forever.

I had been injured at work, and couldn't use my right arm. I was doing the whole photographer thing then, and I'm right handed so I wasn't worth a whole lot. The doctor I saw put me on the bench for two weeks, longer if my arm didn't get better quickly enough.

I had some free time. At this time Kelley and I were still just friends. We spoke occasionally on the phone, and did a lot of emailing and IMing. (Instant Messaging)

Right after I'd hurt my arm I got a call from Kelley. We were chatting like we normally did, nothing unusual. I mentioned my arm and how I was out of work for a little while.

Kelley was still in the Army at this time, and they had been preparing to head to a training school for a month long. Word came down the chain of command that for whatever reason the birds (helicopters) with his unit were grounded (couldn't fly). His entire unit was told that since they had planned the schooling, and schooling got canceled their calendar was empty for the next month. If they wanted to take leave, now would be the time to do it.

A long standing joke between Kelley and I was that every phone call I would ask him when he was coming to see me. I never actually expected him to come and visit. Kelley put in for his leave. The one condition was that if got his way out here, I had to get him home.

It amazes me even more now, considering we were just good friends at the time, that Kelley rode on a greyhound bus 24 hours for this visit. He sat, on his bum, for 24 hours for me. To spend time with a friend.

Kelley arrived near midnight on April 6th, which is my birthday. It was a great present. I remember him joking at one point about how I "never expected to get a Kelley for my birthday".

So what is so important about April 10th?

Kelley and I were hanging out upstairs in my room. I'd taken some medication for my arm that knocked me out pretty darn good. Kelley was sitting on the bed, I was laying down, and we were watching a lightning storm out the windows. I had drifted off to sleep.

I thought it was a dream, and felt something on my lips. Then in a soft voice I heard, "well it worked for Prince Charming." I opened my eyes groggily and a few seconds later Kelley kissed me again.

It was that moment that I *knew* without a shadow of a doubt that I was in love. I knew that Kelley was the one. My entire life WAS that kiss. Kelley was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, there was no other option.

Here we are, 10 years to the day later - and he is still the love of my life. People say the newness, the passion, the power, that flood of emotions you get in the beginning of a relationship wears off. Not for me. I still get butterflies when Kelley kisses me. All that power is still there, but on top of it all is the warmth of being best friends. I still get all the rushing emotions, the want and power of passion; but I also get the tenderness of affection, love, and trust.

It's been 10 years, and so many ask "what would you do differently?" I can't say that I would. I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing. Changing so much as one breeze could change it all, and I'm amazed and feel blessed every single morning to be with him.

There are people out there who question things - they simply say "coincidence". Let those who choose to believe that way do so. I know that it was God's very hand that brought us together. Circumstances don't just turn out that way.

Any other time in our lives would not have been "right". I know had he visited earlier I wouldn't have been ready, or mature enough, to follow my heart that way. Any later and who's to say he would have kissed me at all? If his birds hadn't been downed, my arm not injured? God fated us to be together, and together we are.

It amazes me each day to know I can kiss him just because. I'm blessed every single time I can reach out and hold his hand, and I still feel that tingle.

There are people out there who spend their entire life searching for exactly what we have.

There's a song called "Living in a Moment" - a line from that song is:

"When they carve my stone all they need write on it,
is once lived a man who got all he ever wanted.
Tell me something, who could ask for more
Than to be living in a moment you would die for?"

How many people would die for the type I love we have. How many people would give their all to feel, just once, what I feel each time I think of Kelley?

I could live forever on the emotions and power I felt in that first kiss. God has blessed, me more than there are words to say, in that I don't have to.

Sorry it's been so long...

2010-03-12T20:31:00.001-08:00

Found this message from awhile ago that I guess I saved, not published:

I know it's been a very long time since I've posted an update. Things are still going great. I'm amazed each and every day. I thank God every morning that He is keeping Squish safe and sound. I thank God for being pregnant yet another day, I thank Him for allowing Squish to bake and grow just a little bit more.

Kaitlyn is kicking/punching/twisting up a storm in here. I sort of feel like a washing machine - you know, when you over load it and it sort of kicks and does the whole off balance thing? There are times she gets to going in there and I wonder if she's going to be beating up the doctors when she comes into the world. I wish that Kelley could feel her more, but I'm feeling her plenty. Kelley also doesn't have the patience to just sit there and wait for her to get aggressive.

There are a couple times of day that are special for me. The first starts between eight and ten am... it's sort of Squish's wake-up time. She'll start moving slowly, I'll grab my meds, something to drink and eat, and head back to bed. I'll lay and read a book or pray, thanking God for this little miracle, while I'm eating my breakfast. Squish just does her little tumbling act and I lay there like an idiot with an ear to ear grin in pure amazement. We do this again around three or four in the afternoon... it's just an incredible feeling.

My cervix isn't great, but it's better than the peri expected at this point. My last measurement was 3.1cm - they prefer it at 4 or higher, but I started off short, so he is happy with this measurement. Anything above 2.5 is "okay" - so lets hope it stays this way. I'm also doing a lot more than I was, but so far the cervix and cerclage are holding out with it.

I'm doing pretty good. Exhausted - no one warns you people making is tiring stuffs.

As far as craving go - they are kicking it. Food aversions also. I think there are a lot more aversions than cravings. It's more like things that have always tasted good, no longer do. Or I just can't make myself eat it, no matter how good it is, I know that one more bite and I'll be sick all over.

Squish's First Embarrassing Photo, Name, and more

2010-02-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

I figured since we weren't technically the ones that took the photo, Squish can't hate us for taking it right? Squish is officially a girl - and here is the photo to prove it.

Looking at the photo, her bottom is towards the bottom right. Her legs come up to form a "V" towards the upper left... in the middle, the three lines, sort of like a cheeseburger in black and white are her "goods". Think she'll hate us for showing this off already?

Kelley and I have decided on a name. I really wasn't sure how long it was going to take us, I figured we'd still be fighting over a name when Squish was born. So...

(Insert drum roll here....)

The name is . . .

(Insert next drum roll . . .)

Kaitlyn Elizabeth Doern

Kelley and I had been sending names back and forth and neither of us liked the names the other was coming up with. He sent me "Ruth", I mentioned "Lorelei", which was sent back "Elizabeth", and so on. He likes the more old fashioned names - I like the more romantic names. I guess he was typing in "KD Recipes" and loved the way "KD" sounded - so that turned into "Katie". (This is what I remember from him telling me.) He then put in "Elizabeth" - and called me asking what I thought of "Katie Elizabeth". "Kaitlyn" happened to be one of the names I had on my list - so I asked about "Kaitlyn Elizabeth" - and Squish has a real name! Pretty sure "Squish" is going to stick forever, as I'm still calling her that, but for all formality, on on paper, she'll be "Kaitlyn Elizabeth Doern". I'm very surprised the naming didn't come to blows at some point (me wailing on Kelley) - I think I might have enjoyed beating him, he deserves it now and then.

In other news - Kaitlyn has decided that I am her punching bag. I don't think it would be so bad if it actually felt like I was being bopped from inside, or something like that. For me Squish wiggling feels like hunger pains, and sometimes makes me feel nauseous. I've found that Kaitlyn really has objections to cold liquids, or anything cold hitting her. It gets her to squirming around in there. Well last night she was in a very rowdy mood and was making me feel miserable. I spent awhile rubbing my tummy, sometimes calms her down. I even walked a little bit (yes I know bad Tammy, but I cut my shower short for it) - hoping the movement would calm her and get her to relax - that didn't work. Finally I sat in my recliner rocking for awhile, and either she was so exhausted from beating me up or it worked, and she slowly stopped beating me up and relaxed.

Next thing I know I guess Kelley decided he wanted to feel Kaitlyn kick, so Kelley decided to wake her up. Kelley proceeded to poke and prod my tummy for a little while - which got her wiggling again! I had just calmed her down. I guess Kaitlyn was in a mood because she spent a little while beating me up again. Not nearly as long as she was up earlier, thank goodness. At the same time she woke up about an hour after we tried to head to bed, and started beating on me again. As sick to my stomach as it makes me feel, as nauseous as it makes me, it's very reassuring and great to feel her moving and shaking in there. My one big rule right now is no kicking my cervix, it has enough issues.

Not so great news about my cervix...

2010-02-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

Good news is that Squish is definitely a girl. The ultrasound tech took a confirming look for me today. We have her first embarrassing picture now. The good "between the legs" shot that is now in our file showing we are having a little girl. She was also measuring about 10ounces, maybe a little bit more, and wiggling up a storm in there. The ultrasound tech told me I would have my hands full when she was born as much as she moves around and wiggles during her picture taking. I guess Squish was cooperating at first and then got fussy with the poking from the ultrasound machine, so it took a little longer.

In other news I am on complete bed rest right now. No more getting up and down frequently, and since showers are my "splurge" I'm allowed 20 minutes to shower. This is the bad news. My cervix wasn't great when they put the cerclage in, which is why I was put on moderate bed rest - it had gone all the way up to 3.8 as of two weeks ago. I was told by my perinatologist (high risk OB) that I could do more, and do light bed rest. Then we had the fun with preterm labor, and I was put back on moderate bed rest. The good news at the time was that my cervix was holding steady at 3.8.

Today my cervix decided to go crazy. They say that a cervix can change drastically and quickly, for no apparent reason. Well, today instead of doing just 3 cervical length measurements, which they normally do (and take the average) - I ended up with closer to 8. The first measurement, and longest was 3.2cm - down from the 3.8cm. It then went to 3.1cm, and then proceeded to drastically shorten, and quickly. The other numbers they mentioned were 2.8cm, and 2.6cm, and then 2.6cm with funneling. (Funneling is BAD). The good news is that the cerclage is in there, and holding strong. Other good news is that I am not shortened, or funneling, down to the cerclage stitch.

As I mentioned, I am now on complete bed rest - so my walking privileges have been revoked. They also don't count sitting up as bed rest anymore, so I have to be laying down in one form or another so that the weight of Squish is off of my pelvic area. I was told complete bed rest until, at the least, Monday, and to avoid doing a whole lot, for probably the next month or two - we want Squish to stay put as long as we can keep her in there.

Please keep us in your prayers, we are one week away from the time in the pregnancy when we lost our Christopher, which makes these changes even more scary. For Squish to be considered "viable" - meaning able to be saved, and that they will attempt to save her, she has to stay put until 24 weeks, but her chance of survival isn't great then. At 28 weeks she'll be fully developed, just gaining weight, so we'd like her to stay baking in here until then, I'd love her to make it to 35 or even full term. I'm turning 21 weeks tomorrow, so we still have quite a ways to go, hopefully.

As I mentioned, keep us in your prayers. It's all in God's hands, I know that, and I know He has a reason for all things. I just pray that His plan in all this is for us to bring home a beautiful, healthy, happy baby girl.

I do have a pair of pictures, I have to scan them in and will probably have Kelley do that as it requires standing and I'm not supposed to be doing that.
~Tammy~

20 weeks, starvation, and contractions, oh my!

2010-02-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

20 Weeks, Starvation, and Contractions oh my!

Yay! We have reached the halfway point! That is great news!
Lets see, how are things going?

Cervix check - I wasn't scheduled for another cervical length check until this Friday, but Squish had other plans. I guess when you have a cerclage in, and go into preterm labor they automatically check your cervical length (CL). My cervix, even after the preterm labor, contractions, and stuff, was holding steady at 3.87cm on Thursday. I have another CL check scheduled for Friday.

Baby News - Squish is doing great! As I mentioned in my last post, we found out that our little Squish is a GIRL! We found this out thanks to our little girl throwing a temper tantrum on Thursday, apparently she's big on attention, and I wasn't giving her enough. Guess we have a Diva already. I saw the three lines, indicating a girl, while they were measuring her thighbone. Asked the tech, who was surprised we didn't know what we were having yet, and went back and confirmed the three lines and girl. She did say that she was only wrong once, and she picked it up at the next ultrasound. If Squish is a boy, he was hiding his good really well. I figure I'll ask for confirmation on Friday.

Squish is looking good as well. She was wiggling, squirming, and bouncing all over the place at the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech from Thursday totally understood the difficulty with figuring out what we are having after her trying to check on Squish. We had all sorts of movement, and it was a tad bit frustrating for the tech. We FINALLY got a good shot of the heart, all four chambers, only took her 10 minutes to get it. She worked for that one after hearing they hadn't gotten that shot yet for the anatomy scan. She quickly looked over everything else, but said she was giving up on most of the shots due to our extremely active little girl. Guess I won't be needing to work on losing weight after she's born, I'll have my hands full. Due to the situation they don't offer pictures of the ultrasounds, so I don't have any to offer, but will get more this Friday!

Name News: Kelley and I think we've come up with a name. Still thinking on it, and letting it settle to make sure. I really figured it would take a lot longer than it has, so we shall see if it sticks.

Tammy News - I'm exhausted. You would think as much time as I spend laying on the couch, or in bed, I would have an over-abundance of energy. I'm actually thinking that the bed rest is what's sucking the energy out of me.

I'm also starving 99% of the time, and can't find a single thing to eat. My main wants right now are Arby's, fresh strawberries (good ones not the all half white ones), pineapple, and good fried rice. No, as of yet, not all together. I have had a "pregnant food moment" that Kelley was both disgusted and amused by. I had finally gotten some strawberries (ooohhh and they were good) and had reheated some velveta cheesy mashed potatoes. The mashed potatoes didn't taste that great reheated - then I got this great idea, and ohh it was delicious at the time, cheesy potato covered strawberries. Looking back, it sounds nasty, but I assure you it was wonderful at the time.

I had another round of contractions this morning, not nearly as bad as Thursday. I did everything I normally do on Sunday, with no extra's and apparently little girl thought it was too much. The contractions started about 2-3am, but did not end up being more than 2-3 and hour so I was under the 4 and hour rule. Mostly they were every 30-45 minutes. They stopped around 7am. No pressure or anything else, which is good. I am taking it easy, as per my OB's orders. He said to do even less, at least until my appointment with the high risk OB on Friday. Mainly he wants me taking it very easy, mostly bed rest and about 1/2 hour total on my feet per day. I figure I'll do whatever it takes to avoid being put on complete bedrest, or hospitalized bed rest.

Baby Gaga Report:
Fetal development in pregnancy week 20:This week you're carrying about 10.5 inches and 10.5 ounces of solid baby-miracle-goodness! Their little delicates bones continue to ossify and toughen while their itsy bitsy finger and toe pads are finishing up. Your little monkey now has teeth buds, although they’re hidden beneath the gum line. And finally! Their limbs have reached their relative proportions—no more alien baby! Their cute pink lips are more defined, and might be helping out in a bit of prenatal thumb-sucking. If you have a little boy, then their tiny testes are descending, though they have not yet passed the abdominal wall. What’s more, eyelashes and eyebrows are also visible. At this point, your little one really looks like a miniature baby—and we do mean miniature as your little swimmer currently weighs a mere eighth of their final birth weight. With half the pregnancy behind you, the most significant gains are yet to come!

And how's mom doing? Not that we need to tell you, but your baby may sometimes seem like a kick-boxer in training with no appreciation for your exhausted-pregnant-momma sleep needs. Still, before you start yelling at them to calm it down in there, remind yourself that your busy baby really have no idea if you’re rolling If you have already enrolled in a Lamaze course, consider coupling it with either a swimming or yoga course (or both!) out of bed or cozying up to your partner for a good nights rest. Unfortunately for your sleep schedule, your little independent thinker will continue to operate on their own time table throughout the rest of the pregnancy. And you thought rebellious behavior only started around puberty!

Have you enrolled in a Lamaze course yet? The now-renowned courses teach various alternative birthing and breathing techniques, not to mention the oh-so-valuable lessons involved with natural pain management. (Visit http://www.lamaze.org/Default.asp for more information.) If you have already enrolled in a Lamaze course, consider coupling it with either a swimming or yoga course (or both!). Both forms of exercise focus on controlling your breathing (a large part of the Lamaze philosophy), while at the same time increasing blood flow, strength and flexibility. What’s more, many yoga studios and swimming pools cater to pregnant women (and couples) offering low impact sessions perfect for you and your partner.

http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/calendar/week20

Pre-Term Labor - Rough Day - Good NEWS!

2010-01-29T11:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a rough and nerve wracking day for me.

Apparently Squish decided they wanted a little bit of attention. I had some cramping and tightening in the pelvic area that freaked me out a bit. I debated quite a bit on calling, and whether or not it was worth bothering the doctors over. I'm really glad that I did.

Turns out I was in "pre-term labor" - having contractions about every 15 minutes. Surprisingly their machine was able to pick the contractions up, but it did. After about two hours of monitoring and the contractions going from about every half hour to every 10-15 minutes they gave me a shot of I think toradol to stop them. They warned me that it would make my heart race, which it really didn't - I just got the shakes pretty bad from it. After an hour with that the contractions were only about one every 45 minutes, but they gave me another shot and they stopped completely.

Since the main fear is contractions shortening my cervix, or even ripping my cerclage out (BAD) - they ordered an ultrasound of my cervix and to check on Squish. The woman who came up was really nice, and the first they did was check on Squish's heart, and such, make sure there was enough liquid in the amniotic sac for baby. The next thing was check to make sure baby is growing appropriately - they do this by measuring the baby's head, tummy, and thigh bone.

While they were measuring the thigh bone I caught a glimpse of three lines. I immediately asked the ultrasound tech if we that meant she was a girl. Of course Squish had moved by this point. The tech was really surprised we didn't know what we were having by this point - having so many ultrasounds... then I explained that baby is very uncooperative. This was something the lady doing the ultrasound agreed with since Squish was moving, bouncing, and dancing all over the womb. She did say that she would look to see if she could determine the gender for us though. Well - she looked and I knew right away - for boys you see just a little ball, and maybe something poking a tad. With girls you see -thats right, three lines.

SQUISH IS A GIRL!

We don't have any names picked out yet. Kelley and I really haven't thought about names so far, or at least we haven't talked about them. We'll have to see.

Having a girl is awesome, and never wracking. I *KNOW* boys, I took care of my brothers growing up, my best friends were guys, I was a tomboy, I've never been "girly". On top of that I ~DESPISE~ the color pink. Hate it. Sad to say. Also, and here is the part that freaks me out - the PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) that made my life hard for quite awhile and made it so hard to get pregnant is hereditary, so is the incompetent cervix that we lost Christopher too. I'm thrilled to know what we are having, and so long as this baby ends up happy and as healthy as possible, and stays in mommy long enough I could care less about the gender. At the same time, I'm nervous to be a momma to a girl. We will see.

So - for those who would like to know, since we've been asked. We ARE registering, I've sort of started, and will post where when we have it down. Kelley and I agreed a long time ago to a jungle themed nursery. We LOVE the Fisher-Price Rainforest stuff that is out there - and that's a lot of what we plan on getting. If at all possible, I would like to avoid the bombardment of pink, I know ITS A GIRL, but really, there are things out there for girls that aren't pink. Are we having a baby shower? I couldn't tell you. I wouldn't mind one, but know nothing about them, and it's a tad hard when you are on couch/bed lockdown.

Squish - week 19

2010-01-24T15:43:00.000-08:00

Yup, we are there. I'm 19 weeks pregnant.
Almost 1/2 way there. (Pregnancy is supposed to last 40 weeks).

Cervix Check - Yay! Good news - the bed rest is helping. They had been concerned about the length of my cervix I guess they look for numbers over 4.0cm as cervical length prior to 24-28 weeks. At my first cervical length check I was at 3.4, the second I had shortened further to only 3.3 - this is when I was told to really take it easy. They don't get freaked out, and I won't be put on severe bed rest, or hospitalized bed rest, until my cervical length measures 2.5 or less so I have wiggle room. This week I was measuring 3.6 - 3.8 not a huge difference, but the number went up, which proves that the bed rest torture is working. The closer we get to 22 weeks (it was the day I hit 22 weeks at 12:51am that we lost our Christopher) - the more scared I'm getting. I can't tell you what a relief hearing that my cervix had lengthened was. Dr. Dixon, my perinatologist (high risk obstetrician), did tell me that we can relax a little on the bed rest, yet another positive this week.

(For those who don't know the cervix is the tube/tunnel between the womb and the vagina. (Yeah I know everyone wants to hear this.) When you hear them saying "she's at a 3" or "she's dilated to 8" they are talking about how many cm the radius the womans cervix has opened to. The further along the labor process you are the wider the cervix is opened, they normally allow women to start pushing once she hit's a dilation of 10. The closer you get to delivery with your pregnancy your cervix starts to shorten, and starts to funnel. The top of it (closest to the baby) will start opening, getting wider, and the length of it shortens, exactly like a funnel. With incompetent cervix, the person's cervix is not strong enough or structurally capable of holding itself closed when the weight of a baby is applied.)

Baby News - Not a whole lot new going on in Squish's world as far as I can tell. I was hoping to feel a lot more movement, but so far it's about the same. I can't wait until I start feeling things that are definitely kicks and punches. Squish still doesn't like cold drinks, or being poked. I'm thinking maybe I should try bribing baby, I won't wake Squish up by poking intentionally if they let us know whether they are a boy or girl. Is it to early to start bribing your kid? How about threats? Is threatening to drink a lot more cold liquids if they don't cooperate for ultrasounds wrong?

Gender check - Squish is still being uncooperative with ultra-sounds. I had a cervical check and anatomy ultra-sound on Friday, Kelley even took the day off for it to be there. Squish was their normal misbehaving baby self. The ultra-sound tech looked and couldn't get a peek between the legs - so we still don't know whether we have a boy Squish or a girl Squish. This is the second week they've worked on that anatomy scan - checking all the parts of the baby for defects and such - and once again they couldn't get all they needed to because of wiggling Squish. I guess this week our baby's spine was in the way of everything, good news is Squish has a spine.

Tammy update - I'm exhausted. At the same time talking to other women about as far along as I am they are exhausted too. Something about the fact that the baby is growing by leaps and bounds right now, putting on tons of weight. Squish weighed about 5.5 ounces on the 8th - by the fifth of February baby should be weighing about a pound. I guess what they say is true, baby building is serious business.

My back is not liking being pregnant, but at least it's pain for a good cause. My legs/feet are having more issues with numbness the farther along I get, but my pain doctor told me to expect that. Sometimes I look down and think I'm all tummy - because that's all I see. My toes have disappeared. From what they say it's me being all tummy now that is making this pregnancy harder - the weight from the tummy is pulling my spine forward - which is messing with the already messed up mess back there. The weight makes the spine pinch more here, put more pressure there, stuff like that. The good news with this is that it's not permanent, and once baby is born and the weight is distributed the way it should be again, I should go back to just my normal pain.

I'm still craving strawberries - but at least they are coming into season here. Arby's too, and I've never been an eat at Arby's a lot person. Not as bad yet as Taco Bell was last pregnancy, but I can do without dreaming of roast beef sandwiches. There is something else I've been craving but I have yet to figure it out.

Poor Kelley is still putting up with me. I think I've been a little bit better on the weepyness, but it's definitely irritating. Doesn't help when I bawl over things like not being able to make the bed, or the fact that we have a fridge full of food and nothing looks good. You would think with me being the primary person deciding on what we eat that there would be something that looked good in our pantry and fridge. I cried the other day when I was brushing our dog because some of the fur on the back of her legs had matted a little bit - all I could think was that I couldn't even keep my dog brushed well, how was I going to take care of a baby? Don't forget to check in next week for what's making Tammy cry next.

Baby Gaga Update:

Fetal Development in Pregnancy Week 19: our amazing little baby is now around 10 inches in length! If this seems a bit shocking, you’ll be relieved to know they’ve not actually grown over 3 inches, but that their little legs are now straight enough to be measured. This is when doctors begin measuring fetal growth from head to toe, (no longer “crown to rump” or CR). Lanugo (little hairs) covers their whole body now, trapping that charming cheese-like vernix caseosa (see week 18) to the surface to the skin. This week your lil’ fetus will start on an appetizing diet of amniotic fluid which they are now capable of swallowing, digesting, and passing the fluid as far as their tiny “large” intestines. Fortunately for you, this nice little lump of baby-poop won’t be coming out while they’re still in your womb. Some time shortly after they’re born, this fun lump will become the first in a long line of baby poops. (What finally comes out— commonly known as “meconium” to the science world, will be black and sticky, and you’ll be very glad it happens only once!)

And Hows Mom Doing?: nlike generations of women before you who were taught pregnancy was practically an ailment (10% of women DID die in childbirth back then), we now have scientific evidence that exercise is a good thing when you’re pregnant. In fact, most physicians recommend continuing or starting a pregnancy-friendly exercise routine.

Walking, running, swimming, weight training and yoga (see week 20) are all good for your heart and overall physical stamina during this physically challenging time. Not to mention proper exercise can do a lot towards increasing your overall flexibility (at a time where your body wants to stiffen up) thereby somewhat reducing the pain and tension during labor. Last but not least, exercise can keep you from gaining unnecessary amounts of weight (which you’ll have to fight off later after birth if you don’t do it now). Obviously, you’re going to want to avoid sports where you are at risk of falling or being hit in the stomach. Basically, stay away from sports like basketball, volleyball, soccer, and skiing. Instead, opt for the pool, weight room, and/or yoga class. We’re not saying you should stress yourself out trying to be a world-class athlete, but if you’re eating right and getting enough sleep, exercise during this health-critical phase of your life, will keep your collective energy levels higher and increase your feeling of well-being, as well as ensuring that you and your baby are in top physical and mental condition.

Husky needs a home!

2010-01-21T09:30:00.000-08:00

Some of you know, and some of you don't, that the day before my cerclage surgery I found a husky running around and fell in love with her.

I got a call from Pinal County Animal Control the other day letting me know that they were never able to locate the owners of the dog. I *think* her name was Stormy - and to be honest did we not have a baby on the way I would have found some way to convince Kelley to let us keep her.

Right now (or last I knew) Stormy is at the Pinal County Animal Shelter at: 764 S Eleven Mile Corner Road, Casa Grande Arizona, 85122. You can reach an answering service for them (that can answer questions) by calling (520) 866-7600

Stormy is a very good looking Siberian Husky (I'm pretty sure pure bred), I would guess 1-3 years old, and female. Animal control let me know she has been spayed.

Stormy has a great temperament and was just an awesome dog all round. She was very well mannered for any dog, let alone a stray. Stormy knew the basic commands; "sit", "down", "no", "come", and "stay" (to some degree) and was housebroken. She was a very fast learner, and learned our "no dogs in the kitchen" rule after being told out twice.

She got along great with both of our dogs, with only two exceptions the entire three days that we had her. The first exception is that our dog Anja is very protective of me and was trying to push Stormy away from me while I was petting Stormy, which resulted in some growling. The second was after I had given out bones to chew on and our dog Chubbs had finished hers and went after Stormy's. This one resulted in teeth bared, actual growling fight where I had to pull them apart. There was no blood, but I can't say had I not been right there that there would not have been. At the same time this was an establishing dominance thing, and anytime you bring in a new dog they are going to have to work out who's top dog.

(Stormy with our Anja (the red/tan dog)

Stormy is a dog that is not used to being outside when her friends and family are inside. Our biggest problem was that if she was the only one outside she would whine, howl, and scratch to be let inside. Once she found out what window led to the bedroom she would run to the bedroom window and pop up to tell us she wanted in - and would sit there and whine if she knew we were close by. She did fine if our dogs were outside with her, because she wasn't alone, but if everyone was inside and she got bored, she wanted in with her buddies.

I did not know that husky's are generally a bad mix with cats, I was told after the fact that they are. Stormy, however, got along great with our demon, err cat, Tazz. It was nasty outside and I let her in for a little while and our cat didn't even phase her. Tazz stalked her for about half an hour and Stormy would just look at him, sniff him, and move on. At one point Tazz started playing with her, attacking her legs like they were prey, and batting her tail, and Stormy would paw at Tazz, but that was it. Stormy did do the "doggy playtime" thing at one point and her and Tazz played for a few minutes before Anja broke it up. I'm not saying trust your cat's life with her, just that for the time we had her she got along great with our cat. It would be a "keep an eye on them" thing for the first few weeks/months.

The only things I feel the need to warn people about are that Stormy is a jumper. She jumped our 5-6 foot (depending on which area of the fence) block wall fence twice. The first was to get into the back yard with our dogs and play. The second time was when Anja and I were out front playing frisbee and Stormy wanted to play too, so she jumped the fence to join us. If you were going to leave her outside without supervision I would advice a long leash for those times. The other is she needs somewhere to run - she loved playing ball and would run like the wind any time she could and had a blast doing it. The last, as I mentioned, is she is an indoor dog that wants to be with her family, not left outside all day long.

(it's blurry because she's running so fast, even my camera couldn't get a clear shot)

If you have any other questions please post them here and I'll get back as soon as I can. I figure since we can't keep her, I'm going to do my best to find her a home. Also, feel free to share this blog with other people who might be interested in Stormy.

18 Weeks!

2010-01-18T19:34:00.000-08:00

We are 18 weeks through the pregnancy now! 22 weeks to go!

I'm getting weekly updates from a place called "baby gaga" (www.baby-gaga.com) on how the baby is changing, and what's going on with my body as far as the pregnancy is concerned. I thought that some of you might want to know some of what's going on, so I figured I would share them with everyone here.

Doern Family Update:
For those keeping track, and asking, I have two appointments this week. One appointment is on 1/19 with my regular OB. It's just a pregnancy check up and the first of my weekly P-17 shots. The P-17 shots are shots of hydroxyprogesterone I'm getting to help prevent contractions and preterm labor. Most women have contractions of a minor sort prior to the main event pretty often - for women with a cerclage the contractions could cause the cerclage to rip our cervix, which would be bad.

The other appointment is my cervical length check and ultrasound - they will be doing the level 2 ultrasound at this time, checking the anatomy of the baby. With this they'll check Squishes heart out, look at all the chambers, they look for stuff that would be birth defects and stuff like that. They will also (if we ask, which we will) try (again) to see whether we will be getting pink or blue.

Squish stuff - I have learned I can "wake up" the baby. I hadn't felt much movement a few days ago and poked my tummy several times and was quickly rewarded with a bouncing baby. Nice to know I can play the wake baby up game. I figure since Squish has me up every 15 minutes to pee, and will be waking me up pretty often once outside of my uterus it's only fair. I've also found that Squish does not appreciate me drinking very cold water - I think that has the same affect as the poking.

Me stuff - I think I'm losing my belly button. I heard that's a common thing with pregnancy, innies become outies. My button is well on the way - I think. All I can say is that my belly button feels and looks different, I can't pinpoint how, it just is. My water-works problem is getting worse - not quite sure where in the yellow pages you would find plumbers for your eyes. I'm still getting upset over stupid things, and not so stupid things. It's sort of hard to get used to when I've never been the cry all the time type. It doesn't help that the mood swings are here as well. Add emotional freakouts to waterworks and poor Kelley is going to have served me with divorce papers, I'm pretty sure, before the pregnancy is over. What's funny when I look back on it - the getting upset over stupid things, then crying, then I get upset that I KNOW I'm crying over something stupid and that makes me mad, then sad and teary again at the fact that I'm seriously pathetic and can't help but cry.

I'm getting weekly updates from a place called "baby gaga" (www.baby-gaga.com) on how the baby is changing, and what's going on with my body as far as the pregnancy is concerned. I thought that some of you might want to know some of what's going on, so I figured I would share them with everyone here.

Baby Gaga Update:

Fetal development in pregnancy week 18:fetus in fifth month We have two more ounces! Your "getting bigger-n-better by the minute baby" is already up to 7 ounces and 6 inches! This is a big week for their baby skin. There are now two distinct layers—the epidermis (or the surface skin) and dermis. Currently, their skin is covered with a greasy, waxy, cheese-like substance, known as vernix caseosa. Sure, it sounds pretty nasty, but this mixture of fatty secretions covering your little swimmer from head to toe is the best way to protect their oh-so-thin skin from bruising and abrasions as well as chapping caused by amniotic fluid exposure (and your little one is swimming in that stuff!). Still don’t like the fact your little darling is currently slathered in fatty cream like a greased pig? Well, you know the birthing process? Where you have to push something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a grape? That adorable little greased piglet would have a lot harder time getting through the birth canal without the vernix caseosa. Fun fact for momma’s with baby girls: it’s a uterus within a uterus! Your little girl will have developed a uterus and vagina canal by the end of this week.

And how's mom doing? POP! If you haven’t yet, you will soon be seeing the last of your inn-y belly button—until after you’ve pushed your little monkey out. If it’s getting difficult to breathe, you can thank your not-so-small belly for squishing your lungs—which will be more and more cramped for space as the pregnancy Keep in mind that as you grow (and grow and grow) in size you produce more blood (for both of you), which lowers your blood pressure. So standing up quickly and/or occasional fast movements may cause slight dizziness or lightheadedness progresses. Not that this is surprising as everything else in your mid-section is getting properly squooshed as well. (What else is new?!!). Keep in mind that as you grow (and grow and grow) in size you produce more blood (for both of you), which lowers your blood pressure. So standing up quickly and/or occasional fast movements may cause slight dizziness or lightheadedness. This is totally normal, but means you shouldn’t be too quick to jump to your feet when your team scores a goal. It's better to just punch the air in excitement or clap gleefully. One more fun pregnancy symptom to add to the list: you are producing more melanin, which can cause dark patches of skin to occur on random parts of your body. Don’t worry—these dark spots (unlike your parent’s age spots) will retreat soon after birth

Back pain

2010-01-12T17:12:00.000-08:00

I've had a few people ask about my back, so here it is. My back sucks, and it hurts like heck right now.

My pain management doctor's theory is that the weight of Squish, and my huge belly are pulling on my back. Basically it's pulling my spine forward, which is aggravating my already bad back. He thinks that it's basically pulling and pushing on the nerves that are already bad. He also told me that it will likely get worse.

Bed rest sucks. I think my back hates the not doing anything, and it's definitely not used to taking it easy this long.

As much as I HATE to admit it I've been in a lot of pain for more than a few weeks. For the first time ever I've taken my allowed dosage of pills every single day for weeks - I've never done that. It absolutely sucks hurting this bad all the time. There have been days lately when the only reason I'm getting out of bed is I know the dogs need let out, and I have to pee (this point goes to Squish playing hopscotch on my bladder). I actually have a call in asking my doctor about another pain med he had me use that worked really well. We'll see how that goes. I feel horrible asking for more meds but it's that or living in this horrible pain and not wanting to move.

I have a "TENS Unit" - it's basically an electro-stimulation unit for my back. It works great. At the same time during the few few weeks we knew we were pregnant every single time I used it I had bleeding. It was also after a few days of using it constantly that we lost our Christopher so it freaks me out using it while pregnant. I've used it, I just really limit the time, and sometimes I wish I hadn't because it gives me a brief break and then it's back to reality, pain wise.

I wish I had better news back wise. I could lie, but I hate lying. Kelley has been wonderful putting up with me and working hard. Bless him if we make it through this pregnancy without him serving me divorce papers.

At the same time, I'll deal with whatever I have to back wise to bring Squish here happy and healthy. My back hates me, and I'm used to that.

Goodbye size 10's

2010-01-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

Seriously, nothing says that you can kiss your small jeans goodbye like seeing pictures of yourself pregnant.

I weigh 18 pounds less than when I got pregnant, yet my pants won't even consider buttoning that just doesn't seem right.

I can't believe I'm posting these but a couple people have asked for them. At least if I look like a cow it's for a good cause. Can't help but wonder if kids realize and appreciate the things mommies go through (and God knows daddies putting up with the mom's) to bring them into the world.

Ultrasound of Squish today!

2010-01-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

Here are the photo's:

~You can see where the eyes are, the nose, lips, chin, I'm simply in awe still that God has given us another little baby to grow. Amazing how quickly a tiny dot on the ultrasound machine turns into a baby, even more so that we can see the baby growing inside of the momma's.~

~Not quite sucking the thumb - but look at those long arms.~

~It simply amazes me that existing only 16 weeks 6 days you can already make out each individual finger on Squish's hand.~

In other news:
Squish is still moving and shaking in there. There is yet another note on an ultrasound that baby wouldn't hold still or cooperate for getting pictures taking. If there was ever any doubt about Squish taking after Kelley, this seals it, Kelley never behaves for pictures. It's such a gift to be able to carry a child, let alone to have this technology given from God that allows us to see these babies grow and check up on them.

As you know my last ultrasound was on December 29th - at that check up they estimated on the low side that Squish weighed 3.5 ounces. Today I was given a low estimate (this is the lowest of her three measurements) 5.5 ounces. That means that in 11 days Squish has grown 2 whole ounces, that's the equivalent of 50% more weight that it took baby 15 weeks to get in just two. No wonder I've been so darn tired lately.

Anyone want to know what we are having? Hmmmm? Anyone? Yeah, we'd like to know too. I was sort of glad that they couldn't tell me today because Kelley wasn't there - and sharing it with him just makes it all the more special, plus I'd feel like he was cheated if we didn't find out at the same time. I still feel like he's getting the short end of the stick me getting to see all the ultrasounds and not him. The tech did look, and asked if I wanted her guess, and I told her "no" - it would just be a guess and I'd rather have something definite. At the same time, I was told that we might have to wait a long while before we find out what we are having. This is the 3rd ultrasound where Squish had the umbilical cord between their legs, she said that sometimes babies keep it there the whole pregnancy and you don't find out what you are having until the baby comes. In two weeks I have another ultrasound scheduled - a level 2 where they look at all the babies anatomy and such and she said that she'll give it a good go then. I told her that would be better for me than fighting today because Kelley should be there.

In other news, it's not bad news, but it's not good news. They did the cervical check again (it'll be done every two weeks I think I've mentioned). Anyways my cervix has shortened by .1 cm which isn't much, but it has shortened a little bit. She said the average is 4-5cm so I am starting short, mine was 3.4, and is now 3.3cm. It's not considered "short" or dangerous until 2.5cm, or we start funneling at which time I'll be put on strict bed rest. So I was told to continue to take it easy, and keep limiting my time on my feet. One of these days I'll have type the list of things I'm NOT allowed to do, surprised sometimes that I'm allowed to do more than roll in bed.

That's it for now. :) I plan on taking tummy shots sometimes coming up. I think I'm bigger now than I EVER was with Christopher. They said something about the extra skin from having lost so much weight, and then being "pre-stretched" from having been pregnant just three months before this baby was conceived. Dreading how huge I'll be when (we are going with WHEN not IF) I make it to 35 weeks.

Ultrasound Appointment 12/29/2009

2009-12-30T12:40:00.000-08:00

I thought this was a follow up *doctors appointment* turned out to just be a cervical length check...

Here are the ultrasound photo's that were taken... the tech said that Squish was not cooperating so she couldn't get any good shots, I guess position wise baby was not behaving. Actually had me get up and move around and then bounced the ultrasound thingy on my tummy trying to get Squish to a better spot and baby wouldn't do it. She actually had to put in her notes that the baby wasn't behaving.

I did sort of force getting a few answers, like I said I thought this was a doctor appointment, and had questions from the cerclage. The tech went and grabbed a doctor for me to ask a few questions really quick.

I am still on bedrest. However I am allowed a total of one to a max of one and a half hours on my feet each day. She said it would be preferable to stick to that in small groups, like ten minutes here, and fifteen here. Which means at least I can do some things.

I was told, and I'm not sure what this means, to take it easy because my "cervix is not as long as it could be". Meaning it's short to start with, which means if it tunnels or shortens a little bit will make a huge difference, I think. Again, I wasn't given a length or any real answers, which is sort of irritating.

My cerclage is holding good, baby is fine, and quite the mover. Squish was dancing during the ultrasound AND had the hiccups. At least I know I'm not the only one who deals with them all the time.

My next doctor appointment with my regular OB is on Monday. Dr. Edwards doesn't have a lot of answers as far as the cervix issues though, which is why I'm seeing the high risk OB. Then on the 8th - Friday, is my next cervical length check. I was told to expect a cervical length check every two weeks, unless it shows signs of shortening at which time they'll go to weekly, or even twice a week. When they do the cervical length checks they will also check on Squish. Measuring baby's head, stomach, and thigh bone to get a guess on weight to make sure Squish is progressing along.

I'm hoping on the 22nd we'll find out what we are having, and the rest of the world will too, if Squish behaves. (Given the lack of cooperation with ultrasounds so far I'm not holding my breath.) That's when they tentatively have my Level 2 ultrasound scheduled. I'll be one day short of 19 weeks so we should be able to figure things out if baby will spread em.

Christmas pictures

2009-12-25T13:19:00.001-08:00

Christmas 2009

Cerclage is done!

2009-12-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out that with me, if it can go wrong, or cause issues, it will. Sometimes I wish I could change this.

The cerclage itself went well, I'm doing okay. It was just, well, an experience to say the very least.

We left the house about 7am - to get there by 8:45am. Traffic was scarce so we made good time. Got to the hospital, walked in, signed ONE paper and was told where to go. Hit the nurses station and was put in a bed right away. It takes longer than that to check into a hotel. Very surprising.

The first thing I worry about when they tell you to strip is 1) will my butt be shown off to the world and 2) how much of my body am I going to lose to frostbite due to being covered by paper and nothing else. I guess in the surgery area's they have what they call "Bear Hug" gowns. It was awesome. Insulated and warm, with flaps. I found out later that the flaps are so they can hook you up to a blow dryer (seriously) - it was basically a blow dryer that they hook you up to so that you don't freeze I got to wear something that made me look like the marshmallow man - but it was warm.

At about 9:30am the Women's Surgery people came and got me where I was taken to that area. The nurse comes in verifies my history, that I haven't eaten or drank anything since the night before, my allergies all that fun stuff. Once again I was told that I was "too young" to have had 3 major surgeries and a back that wishes I was dead.

Before and after surgery they always check on the babies to make sure they are okay. So they tried to get the fetal heart beat several times and couldn't. Of course as a pregnant mommy I'm freaking out thinking something happened to the baby. Then the nurse whispers "I've got it" - then it's gone. I guess Squish was doing sommersaults in my uterus and moving too much for them to get a heart rate. SO the brought in an ultrasound machine and we got to see Squish dancing in there. They didn't get the heart rate exactly as baby was moving too much, but they saw a good active baby and a strong beating heart - so I was cleared for surgery.

Then the anesthesiologist came in and spoke to me. She was wonderful. Basically went over my history of my back, and decided that she was going to do the spinal, if she didn't get the spinal then they would do general (where they knock you out) but the spinal is much safer for both baby and I. The baby doesn't feel a spinal at all, and I quite literally "don't feel" it either once it's working. Rather than doping both baby and I, putting the baby to sleep, risking blood clots and lung problems she felt that the spinal would be safer if they could do it.

I guess the woman that did my anesthesia is the head of pediatric anesthesia at Tucson Medical Center - Dr. King - she ended up VERY upset with herself and amazed at how calm I was when she messed up the first attempt at the IV, then the second, and the third. She said the third was "in" but she didn't want to trust it with my low blood pressure and the fact that if it dropped that would be the way they would give me the meds to bring it back up. So she went for #4 and got it in perfectly. Her biggest issue with herself was that she "put's IV lines in day old babies" and couldn't get a good stick with me.

Dr. Strauford came in to talk to me and go over the surgery and answer any questions. She also asked my permission to have a resident do the surgery with her watching and helping. I was very okay with that. They have to learn somehow.

Now when I got wheeled back, lets just say that if you HAVE to be awake for a surgery they really should not make the operating room so scary. Seriously. It looked like something out of a horror film where they cut people open and video tape it or something.

Dr. King went to put the spinal epidural in and my blood pressure went through the roof (which is not good for someone who's blood pressure is normally 90/50ish). So I was told to calm down several times, and told her "that's easy for you to say your not getting a really big needle shoved into your spine". Which got grins and laughs all round, I was told I had a good point The epidural wasn't as bad as it could have been, by any means. She went in at the L3-L4 level and didn't get that in, she said the space was just too narrow to get the epidural in. So she went up to the L2-L3 level and had a little bit of trouble due to it being narrow also, she poked me twice at that level, but got it in. She didn't want to any higher than she had to as the higher she went the more of me got numbed. Once again, she was upset with herself over it and hated the fact she had to poke me three times.

This is where things get interesting, and I almost wish I had someone taking pictures because they really should have good images of this up somewhere for women who are getting cerclages to view. My feet started feeling funny first, not completely numb, but definitely not there. It worked it's way up my legs and to about just above my belly button. I guess the stuff takes about 20 minutes to fully kick in. There is nothing quite as weird as having your legs almost completely numb, but not, and having people touching them.

So here is a fun picture for everyone - me, in just a hospital gown, with my legs about three feet up in the air. Their stirrups make the regular yearly exam type stirrups seem like the kiddie rides at the fair. Add on top of that I can't feel everything - then comes some women I've never met before in my life standing between my legs telling me she's going to wash me now. Uhm yeah. Not exactly something I ever expected to let someone else do down there. So I can sort of feel the cleaning stuff hit me and her hands, but mostly not. Then comes the fact that I'm spread WIDE open for the entire world to see, bright lights shining down on me, and a bunch of people in the same room.

Finally I'm cleaned, I've completely lost feeling from the belly button down and they tell me they are going to start. I can FEEL them putting pressure on me down there because my whole body is moving, but can't FEEL what they are doing. Then it occurs to me that they are doing enough down there it's moving my entire body. Talk about weird.

The next fun picture is me with my legs wide up in the air, everything exposed, three people standing between my legs with who knows what instruments making noises and because of my BP getting so low I have to take both my arms and lay them out to the sides... the only thing I can imagine being close to it is a frog when you are getting ready to dissect them. Which I say out loud and I was promised they were not going to be taking any parts of me out to see what I ate the day before. I have no idea what they were using, but it sounded at times like someone reeling in a fish, at times like a small hammer, stuff like that. Not really sounds you want to hear and know are coming from inside what used to be your private parts. (I can't even think of them as private now as 1/2 of Tucson Medical Center has now seen them.)

My blood pressure then gets to around 75/30 and they get REALLY worried. I think I would rather not know how worried they are, I mean isn't that the reason you are asleep for surgery? I don't NEED to hear, "we have to something about her BP and quick it's dropping fast". Then to be told it's okay, they expected it since I warned them about how low my BP got. It took two doses of whatever it was to get it up to 80/40 and they were happy with that, but keeping an eye on things. The anesthesiologist was awesome, talking to me and helping keep me occupied the whole time (as much as you can when someone is displayed that way). She also let me know what SHE was doing for my BP and what she was monitoring.

The next fun thing is me hearing something about "you're doing it right but the needle isn't sharp enough" and Dr. King (anesthesia person) telling me it was okay, not to worry about it. Then some clinking noises, like silverware jingling, them getting another knife, my whole body being moved some more by whatever they were doing.

Dr. Strauford and the resident started whispering quickly, and Dr. King had started playing with her phone to give me something to watch. (She has an Iphone too, same case as Kelley just a different color.) Then tells me not to worry if they were worried there would be more nurse movement and people coming in. I still don't know what happened, but wonder.

When they were done I was told that my cervix was "very posterior" and father back than normal so I should expect more bleeding and discharge than normal. I was also told that it was shorter as far as she can tell than normal, but not super short, not enough for her to worry about it. She said she got a good and tight cerclage in, but that again, it took a bit more effort than normal so I can expect a lot of cramping. She said that she didn't see anything to worry about there at all.

This is the part when the epidural/spinal almost made me throw up. There is nothing like not being able to feel your legs and watching someone move them. My legs were way up in the air, they grabbed them, and lowered them to the table and I felt NOTHING. As far as sensation it still felt like my legs were swinging from the rooftops. That almost made me sick. Then feeling my legs being down with my hands, but feeling them sensation wise up in the air was WEIRD to say the least.

I get wheeled into recovery and am just sort of there. I ask if Kelley can come sit with me and they let him until their next patient arrives.

They then need to get my fetal heart rate again, which they try for and can't get. I'm excited thinking I get to see another ultrasound, but no, someone else tried and got it. I don't think I like their doppler machines either - instead of broadcasting the heartbeat it goes to ear pieces. Very selfish in my opinion. At the same time they were nice enough to get it in a good spot and then move the ear pieces so I got to hear the heartbeat. It's incredible to hear. An adult heart beats sooo much slower and if you listen sounds different to me. The baby's heart rate was 155 - a good number, but sort of sounds like wub wub wub because of the fluid around the baby. I also got to hear the baby move away. Nice to know that after all the numbing and other random things they did down there baby was still active.

This is when I'm informed I don't get to go home until I pee for them. I have enough trouble peeing when there isn't that sort of pressure on me, and now they mention I HAVE to pee to go home?

It didn't quite work as planned. The spinal took much longer than normal to wear off, the anesthesiologist felt that was because of all the problems and scar tissue in my back.

The reason the peeing is so important, I was told, is that your body is still making the urine while you are numb, so your bladder could get full and explode and you wouldn't know it. OR some people actually lose the ability to urinate for a few days after a spinal so it has to be manually drained until they can do it. The bladder also sits right on top of your cervix, the part they just strangled and they can't have that extra weight and pressure pushing on it irritating things more than they have.

They had me try to pee at 2pm, didn't happen. How do you make yourself pee when you can't feel your butt or your girly parts? Then they gave me a 3pm deadline to pee, or they would have to do a bladder scan and then catheter me.

The bladder scan thing worried me, I mean if all it's doing is measuring for liquid wouldn't it pick up the amniotic fluid also? They said no. It showed that my bladder was at around 500 whatever they measure so they cathetered me to drain it and only got like 200 of it out. Which puzzled them. So then it's "well maybe she didn't have to pee and the scanner was off". Well now my bladder is empty, I'm giving a 3pm deadline to pee or I get admitted and probably have to stay overnight. I was NOT happy about this.

I end up admitted, and taken to another area of the hospital. I start getting feeling back in my girly areas and my butt. Kelley tells me he's going to go grab himself some dinner since I'm liable to be there awhile. That was about 4:45pm - I start feeling like I can pee around 5:30pm call for the nurse (I'm not allowed to get up, even more so by myself since my lower half was just numbed). She helps me into the bathroom and I pee. YAY! I told the nurse that meant I got to go home and she was shocked. She asked her boss, who called the people who made the pee rule, who tell her to bladder scan me again to make sure my bladder was empty. Which pissed me off, they didn't say my bladder had to empty, just that I had to pee. Well the nurse goes to grab it, and I tell her I don't think it's reading me right. She asked why and I told her that I thought it might be picking up amniotic fluid too. I was asked "you're pregnant right" - yes, that's why I got the cerclage to STAY pregnant. So she gets irked at stupid people (and says so) then goes and tells her boss she refuses to bladder scan me, I'm pregnant, it DOES pick up amniotic fluid. Thank goodness she knew what she was doing.

So I get told I get to go home. Took Kelley till about 6:15 to get to the hospital and then a bit for them to get a wheelchair to take me out, but I did get to come home last night. *YAY*

The ride home was rough, I was/am very crampy from them shoving things around that don't like being shoved around. On top of that I have three holes in my back that went to my spine - so my back isn't happy.

It's all worth it though. Squish is now on lockdown, quite literally tied inside of me. I'm on strict bed rest for 3 days (what they told me verbally) to 2 weeks (what is written on my papers). I'm not supposed to any bending for awhile and have to take it easy from now on. I feel pretty good other than having a train crash into my uterus and someone stab me in the back a few times. Just tired and worn down.

So that's a cerclage in a rather long nutshell, at least my experience with it. I'm waiting to hear back on making an appointment to get seen within a week to be checked and then after that it'll be every 2 week ultrasounds to check my cervix. I'm 14 weeks, 4 days right now.

Cerclage tomorrow.

2009-12-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

I meant to post this much sooner. I found out late Friday via a message on the machine. We had a really really busy weekend so I didn't get around to posting this.

Anyways my cerclage surgery is scheduled for 10:45am tomorrow morning. They said to expect the surgery to last about 45 minutes and that's it. They were unable to give me any clue as to how the anesthesiologist is to do his job, except that he'll probably come in and spend some time talking to me and going over my back history and discuss it with me. They said that barring any complications I'll be home tomorrow night, and to expect to spend about 3 days on bed rest after. They will also be letting me know when I'll start getting my bi-weekly cervix checks and stuff.

I'm nervous, but also happy to be getting the cerclage placed.

NT Scan results

2009-12-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

For those who were wondering I received the results of the NT Scan today - the results are the same as they were with our Christopher. Squish has a less than 1 in 10,000 chance of having any of the things that the test checks for, such as Down's. This doesn't mean that the baby absolutely does not have any of the things, it just means that based on age, the measurement of fluid, and the blood the chances of Squish having any of them is pretty slim.

NT Scan

2009-12-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

I know I posted at some point about the NT Scan that I was having done. The scan indeed was done on Friday - and went well. Or as well as I figure it can go.

Squish was not cooperating in the beginning. I was being threatened with having to go drink a liter or two of water and then coming back in a bit later to fill my bladder. Because of the fact that they have to measure the thickness of the skin on the back of the baby's neck, they have to be able to get a good scan of the neck. (Go figure, right?) Squish didn't want to cooperate.

The ultrasound tech checked some other things, my ovaries and other things, and then went back to trying to get her measurement. After a lot of prodding Squish decided to play nice and cooperate. (Yay for my bladder!)

My due date was changed back to June 19th. I was told that was probably even a little later than Squish was measuring. Again, back to the uncooperative child, baby wasn't cooperating with her. I guess to get a "good" crown-rump measurement (what they use in early pregnancy to give an age to the baby) the baby is supposed to be flat out, Squish was having none of it. (Imagine that, baby already misbehaving, I blame it on Kelley). So - the tech went with the best measurement she could get where Squish was still curled up a bit and put me at 12w6d's on Friday. I was supposed to be 11w4d's so Squish had a tiny growth spurt in about a month. So - this might be a big baby, we shall see I suppose eh? Anyways she said that age was even putting Squish a little small since baby wouldn't stretch out good for her. Squish was also doing quite a bit of bouncing and tumbling in there, being good and active. Sort of explains the nausea, knowing that someone is doing gymnastics inside of you.

What else - I was told I would get the results of the NT Scan within 7-10 days, I'll post those when I get them. Let's hope for numbers like we got for Christopher, meaning that baby has a small chance of the problems the scan would pick up.

I do not yet have a date for my cerclage. I'm hoping to hear any day now about that - again as soon as I know I will let you all know. I still also have a million questions that I want answered prior to the cerclage - poor doctors are going to hate me. Other than that, things are good here. Excited for everything to be done and for us to get into June.

Here are the ultrasound photo's:

~Whole body shot of Squish. The thing that looks like a tail is in fact baby's legs sticking out. You can sort of make out a shoul
derish thing, and an arm. It's the bright white spot towards the lower part of the picture... and of course Squishes head.~

~head and shoulder photo of Squish. It simply amazes me to know that you can make out baby's nose already. The thing just in front (and slightly above) of Squishes face is his hand and arm. ~

Sometimes I wonder...

2009-12-14T12:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I can't seem to lead the plain ol' ordinary boring life that imagined I would have as a kid. Then I look at who I chose to marry and realize that while I might have THOUGHT I wanted boring - I never would have chosen it.

Once again, time has flown by since my last shown post. I have another post that I've wrote, I'm still in the debate of whether or not I actually want to post it though.

Anyways what has gone on - not a whole lot.

I was in a very very minor fender bender (really minor) on Thursday. Kelley says it's more like a small paint scratch - it wasn't even my paint. Anyone who knows what I've had to deal with because of my back knows how pissy it can be, and in turn, how pissy it can make me. Right now my back and I are not on good terms. I've had problems with my back for 9 years now, most of it I'm used to. Poor Kelley has to listen to me whine over it all the time - I simply cannot imagine how tired of "my back hurts" he must be. Anyways - I took the same drive I've made a million times over the railroad tracks to Walmart - it just wasn't like it always was. There is a small speed bump like bump, that's not a speed bump, just before the railroad tracks. I go pretty slow over the bump as it tends to jar my back. This time I go over the bump and my back takes it personally - like this is a new bump installed just to irk it off. Well, irk it is what it did. A couple of sharp back pains and pains down my legs, no biggie I've dealt with this a million times. I can't even remember if these felt any different. Anyways I get to the tracks, there is a line waiting to get onto the road from the stop - I never pull forward on tracks (yes even if I know there is no train coming) until my entire car will fit on the other side without being on the tracks. (I put my seat belt on to back up my car out of the driveway, I'm that bad.) I wait for room for the car, slowly pull forward with my foot on the brake to keep the car slow. I'm approaching the car in front of me and go to push all the way down on the brake to stop and NOTHING. I don't mean the brake didn't move, I mean my foot and knee didn't move. There are positions that I become incapable of moving my left leg, it's hard to explain to people who have never felt this, but I literally cannot make my leg move. This is what happened here except for the first time it was my right leg. So I "bump" the car in front of me. It wasn't until I grabbed my leg with my hands and shook it and tried again that my legged move because I was telling it too. The only damage that was done to either vehicle was a slight imprint where my license plate holder left a black mark on the other car - so barely anything.

The lady I bumped was incredibly nice, I was simply amazed. I can't tell you how scary it was for me to know that I hit another vehicle - I've never so much as gotten a speeding ticket, never been in any form of accident. For me, I would have preferred to have been daydreaming, texting, talking on a cell phone, just not paying attention rather than having my leg not work. All I can say is I'm still freaked out about it. I'm scared sick at the thought of driving because I know it could have been much worse than what it was. I could have seriously hurt someone, or the baby, and that freaks me out to say the least.

My back is still pissed off from it. I don't know if I did something on the bump before the tracks, or if the jar from hitting the other car hurt me, but my back and I are no longer friends. I'm having lots more fun with the sharp nerve pain, my right leg is now occasionally being weird (that's the best I can describe it), and I'm waking up every morning feeling like I was the take-off zone for an airport runway. The awesome thing is that Dr. Halter has managed to squeeze me in on Friday to see me. I'm very thankful for that - I'm hoping he might have some answers, but I'm scared there just aren't any other than "your back is messed up, we both know this". We shall see...

NT Scan info and date change

2009-12-02T13:42:00.001-08:00

The date for my NT Scan has been changed. Not sure if I've mentioned this so far with Squish. The date was originally set up for this Friday, December 4th. It's been moved to next Friday, December 11th.

I wrote about the NT Scan with Christopher. NT stands for Nuchal Translucency screening. The reason the date had to be changed is that there is a very small time period that the test can be done. It has to be done between 11 and 13w6d, the day you turn 14 weeks it's too far along to get it done and your results will can be inaccurate.

The test can only be performed by ultrasound techs that have to be specially certified to do the test, and in fetal medicine, and the machines have to be sensitive enough to measure accurately. The test is performed by the tech measuring the thickness of the skin on the back of the babies neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to have more fluid built up in the back of their neck. They measure that (isn't it cool that we have the ability to measure the thickness of skin on the back of a 12w old babies neck?) and take some blood and that's it. If nothing else it's another excuse for an ultrasound (yay).

With Christopher they called a few days later and let us know the results. The test will pick up things like Down's Syndrome, Edward's Syndrome, Turner's Syndrome, and Patau's Syndrome. Okay I have no clue what the last three are - but it picks up a lot of things. It will also show if you are a low risk, or high risk. The results are not 100% accurate - you can get false negatives or positives, as well as be told that you are super low risk and still have a baby with a problem.

The reason that I HAVE to have this test done is that there are abnormalities that it will pick up that will keep Dr. Dickson (the high risk OB) from doing the cerclage. It picks up things that will show whether or not the baby can survive outside of the womb, and things that will show if the baby won't make it past 20 weeks and such. They will not put the cerclage in if they are 100% certain that any of the harsher abnormalities exist. The reason being that if some of them exist my body will end up aborting the pregnancy anyway - and the cerclage could end up holding an aborted baby. I know that sounds really bad - but it does make sense. If my body were to decide to abort the baby shortly after one ultrasound to check my cervix - it could be 2 weeks before the next and the risks of me ending up dangerously infected are extremely high. It could be deadly to me.

As I understand it I'll be finding out about the cerclage when they do the NT scan. If nothing else I'll get a date when the results come back. Dr. Dickson told me that he wants the cerclage in by 14 weeks. That puts it being done right around Christmas time - they may push it later because of the holidays but we will see. I'm also curious about what his plans are for my time in the hospital, and stuff after that.

Once the cerclage is in they will be doing cervical checks at least every two weeks. Which will mean lots of ultrasounds. When I spoke to the ultrasound tech at my last ultrasound she said that since I will be getting the scans so often they probably won't do much other looking at the baby.

For those asking - it probably will not be until around 20 weeks that we find out the sex of the baby. There won't be a lot of extra looking because the ultrasounds are going to be done so much.

Not much going on...

2009-12-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of people asking how things are going lately. The answer is - they are going. Life is good. Don't have anything to complain about.

My bleeding finally stopped. *yay* Dr. Edwards is pretty sure it was just a cyst that ruptured. Having the doctor tell you that things "look" okay when you are pregnant and bleeding doesn't help much. There is nothing as not reassuring as bleeding while pregnant. As I said though, that's over with. YAY!

I still have occasional cramping but that's because Squish is dancing all over my uterus. At least this way I'll know that Squish will pop out ready to do the tango and win Dancing With The Stars. Can't help it if baby is starting their talents early, I blame that on Kelley - the "show off" gene must come from his side.

What else - I figure on Monday I'll start doing weekly belly shots - courtesy of Kelley. I'll make sure they are taken after I eat something when I turn into pregnant Tammy. It's amazing how a slice of toast can turn me from Tammy to super pregnant Tammy. I'm also hoping to talk some cash out of Kelley for warmer maternity clothes. I live with a polar bear - which means frozen Tammy. Good thing he's warm and cuddly.

As far as the morning sickness - it's still here. I've had a couple moments of not feeling yucky - and there were two hole days where I ate a whole bagel and kept it down. (No small feat let me tell you.) Then there are the times when the idea of food is just ucky. I think I'm craving strawberries - which is not good with it being December and all. They sound really good though.

I'm also really tired all the time. Sort of like a walking Zombie most of the time. At the same time, it's worth it. I'm thinking this is sort of like preparation for the no sleep you get when the baby gets here.

I feel very lucky that I don't have morning sickness as much as some people. I figure compared to others I've got it really easy. Plus if the outcome is a baby in 30 more weeks it's a price I'm willing to pay.

It shouldn't happen to anyone. . .

2009-11-23T18:57:00.001-08:00

One of the things I decided after we lost our Christopher was that his death would never be for nothing. I chose to reach out and do my best to help others who lose their babies, it was the smallest thing that I could do. I know the pain in a way that someone who has never felt this loss knows it. No one out there who has not lost a child, a baby, knows how it feels the way those that have experienced the loss do.

There is a woman I met who lost her baby very close to our loss of Christopher, and we supported each other through it. Her loss was her second loss, but I can't imagine that the pain gets easier the second time around. We both ended up getting pregnant again, and were both due in June together. I really hoped this would be it for us, we would get to bring these babies home. I can never regret losing Christopher - not knowing that his death lead to this life growing inside of me. Not knowing that Christopher changed my life and that losing him has helped me to help others.

I found out today that she lost her baby. She was supposed to be ten weeks, the baby was only measuring around nine, and there was no heart beat. It seems such a cruel thing - I don't know that I have the strength in me to lose another baby, and to know that there are people out there that go through one loss after another hurts my heart in a way I can't describe.

No one should lose a baby, I just can't even think of the words to say to explain how much this hurts me. I know there is a chance this baby won't get to stay, but I try not to think about that. I've decided to love this baby even knowing Squish might not get to stay. I plan on loving Squish every second that they are here - however long that is, because I know that I don't get to choose how long that is.

I just ask that for those that can, say a small prayer. Say a prayer for those who have lost little ones, because that is a pain that never goes away. Pray for those who are pregnant and that they get to bring their babies home, happy and healthy. Pray for those who God is going to chose their babies time here is short - pray God gives them the strength in both heart and faith to make it through this.

I know my faith was questioned, and we just suffered one loss, I can't imagine where my heart would go if I have to deal with more than one.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone - I just wish there was more that I could do, or say.

Updates on Squish and I

2009-11-12T17:04:00.001-08:00

I've been intentionally not blogging about the baby and I for the past little bit. Things haven't been 'peachy' and there have been a few issues.

Last Sunday just before church service I experienced very sharp pains that felt like someone was taking a knife and stabbing me. No big deal. Then Monday I had some bleeding, the same with Tuesday AM so I went in to see Dr. Edwards. Dr. Edwards did an exam and said that everything looked good internally - that my cervix was closed up good. At the same time (and I HATE this word) he was concerned about the 'viability' of the pregnancy. He was glad they had been able to pick up the heartbeat at my visit with the high risk OB. At the same time he said that doing an ultrasound that day wouldn't show enough of a change to be picked up. He said the growth of the baby would be what helped show the viability. So I had to wait and hope and pray that the dark brown blood that was still going on was nothing. He did see me again on Monday and ordered and ultrasound then.

Let me just say that the ultrasound definitely made me feel better. Squish is measuring fine. They did get a much more accurate measurement after doing an internal ultrasound - I was measuring 7 weeks exactly on the 9th. It moved my due date to June 28th. They did say that would change as the baby grew though. But June 28th went exactly with my dates (off 8 days from the doctors dates).

They were able to pick up Squish's heartbeat again, another great relief. Squish was measuring at .97cm - it's amazing to think that the baby went from less than a pinhead to almost a centimeter already. The ability of the human body to reproduce astounds me. Even more so knowing that it's the love between Kelley and I is what has created this life, it's incredible to me to know that once again there is a little tiny person inside of me that is part Kelley and part me.

Here are the ultrasound photo's.

If you look at the picture closely you can see Squish's head all the way to the right. Wrapping under and to the right of him is the 'fetal pole' - if you look at it just right you can see the beginnings of Squish's legs, more like little flippers right now. Squish also had little fins of arms there too.

Again, Squish. The two little star thingies are the points that they use to measure the fetal length - basically the length of fetal pole - to determine how old the baby is and get the measurement. This is the length that gave Squish the length of .97cm

The other ultrasound image. At the bottom - the lines - the line that is intermittent is Squish's heartbeat. I'm technically not supposed to have the heartbeat on paper - something about people suing the hospitals over it or something.

I'd also like to add that it was quite the reunion today. The first woman who was going to do the ultrasound and got called away was the woman who did the ultrasound of my gallbladder back in May when I ended up needing the stomach surgery.

The woman that ended up actually doing the ultrasound - and giving me images they don't normally give out - ended up in tears. When she walked in to do the ultrasound I remembered her, and she remembered me. Her first words were 'so how did you get here today?' I asked her what she meant - and she asked if they had managed to do a rescue cerclage - and wasn't the baby due around now. She thought I was in there to get my cervix measure and that this was Christopher. She ended up crying when she realized that we'd lost Christopher and that this was a different baby. She said that she had hoped there would be a different ending for us. At the same time she revealed to me that people don't understand how she can do what she does - she miscarried 9 times and was unable to ever carry a baby to term. She also hoped that she would be the main one measuring my cervical length every few weeks once the cerclage is put in. Once she found out I was there for bleeding and scared to death she was as nervous as me, and as happy as me when Squish was doing fine.

She did see some fluid in there - she said probably blood - that might signify having a cyst that ruptured - which would explain the sharp pains before the bleeding. At the same time she couldn't tell me much, I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Edwards tomorrow so hopefully he'll be able to tell me more.

Regardless, knowing that Squish is measuring fine, the heart is beating great is such a huge relief. I'll deal with whatever God sends my was if it means bringing a happy, healthy baby home in June. I'll lay in bed for the next 7 months if I need to in order to bring Squish home.

Not just us.

2009-11-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

So one of the things I'm learning lately is that while this year has been hard for Kelley and I it's been just as hard for so many other people this year. We've dealt with losing our child, losing my grandpa, lost jobs, car accidents, house fires, car robberies, one thing after another.

In our own pain it's so easy to just sit and stare at the broken pieces scattered all around us, trying to figure out what glue will even begin to put the mess back together. Sometimes we are so preoccupied with putting our lives back together that we never stop to look around. It's so easy to see our lives in wreckage, and wonder why.

It's so easy to never look up, never look around, never look very closely at the lives of those around us. Sometimes, if we do manage to look up, we notice that there are others who lives are broken. Sometimes if you look close enough, if you take the time to care when YOUR world has crumbled, you'll notice theirs shattered. Your pieces are HUGE compared to what's left of theirs. How could you be blinded by the mess of your life, and never have seen the moment when theirs came falling down too?

I've learned in my life that there are times when prayer fixes everything. There are simple times when you beg for God to fix things, and He simply does. There are times when all God want's is us to come to Him in prayer, times when He wants to know that WE KNOW He can fix it.

Then there are times when God doesn't want us to wait for the fix. There are times when God won't "make everything better". There are times when what God want's from us is to hit our knees. That's just what we need. There are times when we forget that God knows what's best in our lives, and what our purpose here is. Sometimes what God wants from us is simply to say "God I don't get it. God I may never understand why you've brought this upon me. God, this hurts, and I can't see the other side of the storm my life is in, but God I KNOW there is a reason. God I'm on my knees, and I can't see the solution to what's going on. God I'm going to praise You anyway. God I'm lifting my heart to you, and if this is what You ask of me, then God I'm going to accept it and know you'll carry me through."

One of the things I've learned this year is that it's true - God won't give you a cross to heavy to carry. At the same time, there are moments I wish He didn't have so much faith in me.

I've said this in so many places, to so many people lately. It's so easy to thank God when our lives are great. It's so great to tell others, "God has a plan" when it's their life that's hard. It's so easy to give thanks until God tries our hearts and our faith. Sometimes I think it's the moments when our lives are in ruin that God shows us the truth of our faith. Faith isn't praising God when times are good. Faith is praising God when times are not just bad, but miserable.

I've learned this year that yes, Kelley and I have had a really crappy year in some places. In other places the both of us our still standing. Kelley has a job, we still have a place to live, our friends are still there, we still have our car to get from point A to point B, we have yet to go hungry, we may have lost our son but we will get to see our Christopher again one day, we may have lost our first baby but God has given us another life and shown us there WAS a reason for losing our Christopher.

Life hasn't been easy this year for us, but for some the fire we've been walking on would feel like sweet cool grass after walking barefoot through hell.

Perinatal Visit

2009-10-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

Today was my appointment with the Perinatal Specialist - Dr. Dickson. He's a doctor that specializes in high risk pregnancies - which I am. As if the gastric bypass surgery, the back surgery, the back pain medications, the second stomach surgery weren't enough, my body added in the incompetent cervix with Christopher. So I'm one fun risk after another now.

(This is "Squish" at 5 weeks, 6 days. This is my uterus. The white "V" is pointing down to the white spot that is his heartbeat. The round up in the upper right hand side is the amniotic sac - it sort of makes up that whole upper right area.)

The good news is that there is in fact only one baby in there. I asked the ultrasound tech to make sure because my mother-in-law had a dream that we were having twins. The tech looked around and said there was only one baby in there. I was also right in that squish is only measuring at 6 weeks, not 7. I spent enough years trying to get pregnant that I know how to find out when you ovulate. Most women ovulate on the 14th day of their cycle, I ovulated on day 22 - so I'm measuring a week behind based on the first day of my last period, which is what they normally go by. Right now squish is due around the 26th of June - I was told to expect to deliver early.

Dr. Dickson did say that our loss of Christopher was a pretty 'classic' case of incompetent cervix. Except for the fact that I caught the issue before the baby was born. Dr. Dickson did tell me that had he been my doctor at the time he would have probably forced the issue on delivering Christopher as soon as they saw the sac outside of my cervix and the liquid level in the amniotic sac. At the same time, he said that not many people would have been willing to do all that I did to try to save Christopher. That is one thing I have a lot of trouble accepting, it's hard for me to imagine that people wouldn't be willing to do whatever it took to possibly save their baby, but Dr. Dickson made it sound like most women wouldn't risk it.

The plan right now is that I see Dr. Leeds (my second OB at Sun Life) a week from Monday. She will probably schedule a visit a month from then to see me. I'll see Dr. Dickson in six weeks. At the six week visit - 12 weeks gestation - they will do a test called the "NT" test - Nuclotransulency test. (Around the first or second week in December). The test is one they do to check for birth defects and things like Downs Syndrome. They will do a thorough ultrasound at that point, checking my cervix then, and will schedule me for my cerclage.

I was told the cerclage would be done between 12 and 14 weeks gestation, right around Christmastime. What the cerclage is basically the doctor going in surgically and putting a purse string on my cervix. They pull the string tight to make sure that the cervix doesn't open. Kind of like the pull ties on a trash bag.

When they perform the surgery they normally do an epidural block to keep the patient from feeling what is going on down there while they perform the surgery. Dr. Dickson said that for me they would not do it that way. There is just too much damage already done to my spine to risk it. So they will do general anesthesia for me instead.

The risks with the cerclage are infection and miscarriage. Infection is an issue any time any part of you is exposed to outside elements. They normally put you on antibiotics at the hospital to prevent infection, and keep it in check in the off chance it happens. Miscarriage is another risk, when they go in to do the cerclage they use a needle, which can poke the amniotic sac and cause it to leak, which could cause a miscarriage. Also all that activity and them messing with your cervix could cause you to have contractions - the contractions if they get bad enough could cause the baby to be born, or even rip the area the ceclage is stitched too. Dr. Dickson said he's never had a case where that happened.

Once the cerclage is in place I'll have ultrasounds done every two weeks to check my cervical length, and look for funneling. What happens with incompetent cervix is that the weight of the baby puts so much pressure on your cervix that it starts opening up the top, as the top widens, the length of the cervix shortens forming a cone. The ceclage's job is to make sure that your cervix cannot funnel past that point.

IF my cervix starts showing signs of funneling or shortening I'll be put on serious bed rest, or hospitalized depending on how bad it is. If they are worried about the stitch holding they may go in and place another cerclage but that is highly unlikely from what Dr. Dickson said.

I was told right now to take it easy, and start getting used to making sure to get in some time each day with my feet up. Dr. Dickson said to expect some sort of bed rest, probably about 4 hours each day of laying horizontal with no pressure on my cervix. I was told to start working at not staying on my feet for long lengths of time, because once the cerclage is in place he won't want me on my feet for more than two hours at any given point. I was told get all my walking done prior to the cerclage placement.

At around 14 weeks I'll start getting steroid shots to help the babies body mature a little more quickly. This was in case squish is born early he'll have a better chance of survival. I was told that the risks of the shot are minimal compared to the chance of squish not making it if he's born too early.

For now I guess that's it. Most everything else is a "we'll cross that bridge if and when we get there". To just take it easy, not out do things, more rules will get put in place when the cerclage is put in, and depending on what my cervix does. Dr. Dickson did agree that avoiding surgeries and house fires during the pregnancy would probably be a good idea. Both of us are hoping for a boring pregnancy other than the frequent check ups.

My goals right now are:
Get pregnant. (CHECK)
Get to see the baby in there. (CHECK)
Get to see Squishes heart beat on the monitor. (CHECK)
Get to the second trimester. (When the chance of miscarriage goes way down.)
Have the cerclage put in place.
Get to the point I can have the shots done.
Find out what we are having, a boy or girl.
Pick a name.
22 weeks - the point when we lost our Christopher.
Hit 24 weeks - the point where if Squish is born early there is a chance he'll live.
Hit the third trimester - most babies born in the third trimester make it.
Hit 34 weeks - the point where hospital stays are minimum and the baby is mostly developed.
35 weeks - the point where they will go in and take the cerclage out.
After that it's keep the baby in as long as possible.
Bring our baby home, and not lose our sanity (okay, what passes for sanity in my world).

The good (great, amazing, scary) news

2009-10-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to wait to post this until I spoke to everyone in person, but it appears it's just not going to work out that way. There are some people at church I wanted to tell face to face, not via email, phone call, or blog. At the same time with Kelley and I both being miserable sick (apparently me more miserable, him more sick) I can't promise when we will be back at church. We just aren't wanting to go in and risk getting people sick over things.

Kelley went in on Thursday and was told he has pneumonia or bronchitis. I'm really sick too. I kept telling myself if I'm not better on Monday I'll call and make an appointment. Friday it was like duh, I'm going in for my first OB appointment.

Not a gyn appointment an OB appointment. I'd had feelings for awhile that I was pregnant, not symptoms, just this 'I'm pregnant' seed planted in my head. I told Annette at one point that it was going to suck when my period came because I really felt that I was pregnant. I did something really stupid and took a pregnancy test four days early - I saw a pink line. I've taken enough pregnancy tests to know what a negative test looks like. You would think I wouldn't have quite so much trouble going okay, this is not a negative test, so that means it's positive. Instead I look at a positive test and start thinking I'm imagining the pink line, so I hide it away. I test the next day, and get a definite positive, and once again think I'm imagining things. So, I figure I'm in this deep, I pull out the digital pregnancy that came with my ovulation strips, and sit and stare at the 'pregnant' for about ten minutes before it comes through to me "you're actually pregnant".

So, my husband probably wanted to kill me, but I didn't tell him first. The first person I told was Annette - since we were hanging out all day, and I had to tell SOMEONE. Plus she's my best friend so that helps. I made plans to somehow manage to hold my tongue and decided to not tell Kelley until our anniversary. Lets just say he didn't go to school that night like he was supposed to and it was pure torture sitting there not telling him.

For our anniversary I picked out a sterling silver 1g memory stick key chain. Kelley loves key chains and as you all know he loves computer stuff. Once I found out I was pregnant I had all these plans of taking pictures of letters saying stuff about this year, the good and the bad. I was going to make him plug the memory stick in - view the pictures - and the last would mention the pregnancy. He was so sick though that I didn't have the heart to make him plug the stick in.

Instead, I stayed up till midnight (I couldn't hold in telling him anymore), woke him up to let him know. I told him it would be worth it. I gave him the pen set I'd gotten him first. I could see the look in his face "she woke me up at midnight for a pen set?" I told him that wasn't the good present. Next was the key chain. I really thought I did a good job with the key chain. He opened it up and had the look, he was trying to hide, "this is a little better, but I'm sick as a dog and she woke me up at midnight for it?" He did tell me it was a very thoughtful gift. I feel better about it because he's actually using it, still not sure he actually likes it. It might be a pity thing now, you know, the whole "she got, I might as well make her think I like it". Once again I told him that wasn't the best gift, and promised him it was worth it.

I gave him the anniversary card - I had wrote all the good and bad stuff this year. January - Papa passing away, definitely bad, I still miss him. March - Finding out we were having Christopher - a huge plus. March - Mom and Gino coming to Arizona, fun. July - The house fire, losing Christopher, June -mom and dad being in the car accident, brothers losing their jobs all that. That the year had had it's ups and downs, but I really felt things were starting to look up.

"November - we found out we were expecting another baby." You could see when he hit that point in the card because his whole changed. He sort of shook his head, looked at it again to make sure he'd read it write. Turned to me with this incredible look and said "really?" I have to tell you I'll have a dozen kids if I can keep getting that incredible look from him. There is no greater moment than seeing that type of joy and love and hope all bundled into one look from the person you love.

We are both thrilled. I'm pretty sure we are both also scared to pieces. For me it's a huge batch of mixed emotions that I'm pretty sure I'll have forever. I'm so glad to have this new life growing inside of me. I'm so amazed to know that once again there is a life that is part Kelley, part me, growing inside of me.

At the same time I know that had Christopher lived, this amazing life wouldn't be here. I would either still be pregnant and carrying him, or would be on some form of birth control and taking care of a new baby. There is no way that this baby would be here had we not lost Christopher. I wish that there was some way I could have both of my babies here with me. It's such a bittersweet thing to know that Christopher's passing is what made this life possible. It gives such a huge meaning to losing him, the reason I'd been praying God would show me.

I have my first OB appointment, as I mentioned, on Monday. This is with Dr. Edwards, the doctor that helped me through having (and needing) the stomach surgery while I was pregnant with Christopher. I'm hoping for all my appointments at Sun Life I can have them with either Dr. Edwards or Dr. Leeds (the doctor who helped me through losing our Christopher). I'm not sure how many questions Dr. Edwards will be able to answer, and know they are going to refer me to a high risk OB. I'll put my list of questions on here, tomorrow maybe. Right now I think it's just over 50.

Please keep this new baby, Kelley and I in your prayers. Please pray that God lets us keep this baby with us here. I know that one day I'll get to see dear Christopher again, and spend eternity with him, but I would love to bring a child here for us to raise and love.

Right now it's small goals - making it to the first OB appointment was one. The first high risk OB appointment is another. Getting to see the baby's heart beat on ultrasound is the next. After that making it to the cerclage. Then to the second trimester. Next finding out whether it's a girl or a boy. 22 weeks is another goal, getting past the point where we lost Christopher. 24 weeks was the magic week number the people at the hospital kept talking about, the point where there is a chance of saving the baby if they are born, they use the word "viable". After that it's the 27 or 28 weeks, the point where most babies live if they are born after. After that, the longer the baby stay's in the better for them.

Thank you, to everyone, who has prayed for Kelley and I. Thank you to those who have continued to think of us, it means so much more than any words can say. Thank you in advance for the prayers I know will be said for us and this baby.

Prayers for the family of Jessica Kent please

2009-10-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'd like to ask everyone to please pray for the family and loved ones of Jessica Kent.

Our pastor at Calvary Southern Baptist Church in Casa Grande lost his daughter-in-law around 3am this morning. Our pastor's name is Sammy Kent, his wife is Marilyn. Their daugher-in-law's name is Jessica Kent, her husbands name is Lawrence. Jessica has left behind beautiful children and her husband who I am sure are having a very rough time right now. Please pray that God gives them the strength they need to make it through this loss, as I simply cannot imagine their pain. I have never had the privilege of meeting any of Jessica's side of the family but I am sure they are suffering a great deal right now as well.

Jessica passed away to severe complications after a tough battle with pneumonia, I am sure she is at home with the Lord now wishing she could comfort her family during this time. I wish that at times like this there was some comfort that would help us through the feelings of loss. The only things that I can say, and in the end it is all that matters, is that through Christ we all will be reunited with our family and loved ones. It is one reason why I find it so important to share my love of Christ, and the belief in Him and the Father. It is only through that love of Christ that we are promised to join our family.

I pray that God will lift up the loved ones of Jessica Kent. I ask God to lay His grace upon them and help them through this troubling time as only He can. I ask that the Father will wrap them in His loving embrace and offer them the comfort and strength to get through these times. Lord please help this family through this, and let them know that one day they will be reunited with Jessica. Father please help Jessica and Lawrence's children through this, let them know that in all things their mother loves them and is waiting to be reunited with them in Heaven.

This year

2009-10-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

So many of you know that it has been a very long year for my family. It started off rough - and has it's definite ups and downs.

On January 15th my Papa passed away. My brother's father-in-law (not exactly what I call him technically) was diagnosed with cancer.

In February my baby brother (and yes Joey you will always be my baby brother) lost his job.

March 6th we got amazing news - it was the day that Kelley and I found out Christopher was on the way. Which sort of reverts back to good news on Valentines as the day they say we conceived. March was also the month that my big brother, Bobby, lost his job.

April - okay I can't remember officially what happened in April but I keep thinking this was the month that Keri - my mother-in-law - told me her husband (who I guess would be my father-in-law) had cancer. Not sure but I think that's about when we were told.

In May my mom and dad were in a serious car accident. Both of them had serious problems and my mom is still having problems from it. At the end of May was when I had all the stomach pain, leading to a serious surgery. I was told that I had a serious bowel hernia and obstruction. I had to suffer from very serious pain for a few days because we all wanted to avoid anything serious happening to the baby.

The end of June was our house fire - the worst part of which was that the bacon didn't make it.

July was when we lost our Christopher. The same night was when Kelley's car was broken into and the passengers window destroyed. (I can say that Kelley tried to clean it up well, but when I cleaned his car yesterday there was still glass.)

In August my niece was pulled over for speeding and they found drug paraphernalia in her car. I totally believe this was my niece's fault, but it still sucked. They also found out she'd been doing a lot of serious bad things.

September was when my mom found out she has some sort of serious internal problem. They did some testing and she was told that she had an enlarged appendix. Which we are pretty sure is wrong because she had her appendix taken out several years ago. After reviewing the pictures and such they think they found a piece of unattached intestines in the shape of a candy cane. So they are pretty sure she needs surgery, and is in a lot of pain. They won't give her pain meds either.

October is looking up. You'll have to read my next post to find out why.

One of the things I've learned this year is that everything that we get comes from God. He's also the one that takes things away. It's so easy to praise God when everything is going great, and life is good. It's much harder to give thanks when life is going down, and you can't even see the bottom of the road you're on. It's a definite lesson in humility.

Papa was a sad thing, but I understood it. My prayer at the time was for God's will to be done. I didn't want Papa to spend the next year of his life as he had the previous. I understood when God took Papa to be with him, and I was glad he wasn't suffering anymore.

When we were blessed with a pregnancy it was so easy to thank God for that. It was so easy to be thankful.

I was mad and angry at God for so many reasons. I never blamed God for taking Christopher - but I was angry at him for not saving him. It took me a long time to be able to realize God has a reason for all things. It took me a long time to be able to thank God for giving as well as taking. I did eventually start seeing that even after all the things that happened this year I had a lot to be thankful for.

God did take my Papa, but he's no longer suffering. The car accident my parents were in wasn't good, but they didn't die because of it. We didn't get to keep Christopher, but he was here. My God has promised that I will get to see our Christopher again. Christopher's life may not have been here long, but through the experience with him I've been able to touch other lives because of him. Peoples lives have been touched because of Christopher's life.

I've learned to thank God when times are good, and when they aren't. I'm married to an incredible man. I have two awesome dogs, and one demon cat who cracks me up. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive, a bed to sleep in. I have an incredible husband and despite everything he still puts up with me, still loves me.

On another note . . .

2009-10-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

This is completely off topic of our baby journey. I figure since I have no clue when God is going to bless us with another child I should find other things to blog about.

Today I am asking for prayers for my mom and her sisters, Pam and Joy.

I'll try to make the rough draft as brief as I can. Pam, as far as I know has never been a major part of Papa's life. I mean, yes she is his daughter, but from what I've known for the past 15 years she never made herself a part of his life for long or in a major way..

Joy on the other hand used to call and speak with Papa daily, and helped him all the time. Joy was always checking on Papa, and doing something for him.

Around 2003 Papa, Pam and Joy had a falling out and pretty much stopped speaking to each other. When Joy and Pam stopped speaking to Papa, so did their families, that left just my mom and us kids speaking to Papa and visiting him.

At some point Papa made Mom the sole recipient of what there was of his 'estate' . There were other things involved, but it boiled down to Papa taking Joy and Pam out of the will because they hadn't spoken in years. When mom found out she took it pretty hard. She told me about it a little while later because she had no one else to talk to about it. The hardest thing for mom was she knew carrying out Papa's wishes would put up a wall between her and her sisters. It was something I prayed about often, hoping the silence would end, they would realize no grudge was worth losing family over.

The hardest thing for me to deal with was that Papa truly felt Joy, Pam, and their families didn't care about him. It killed me knowing that he had family within minutes of him that he never saw. My cousins also lost any relationship they could have had with Papa. I know that it wasn't until I grew up I realized Papa wasn't just a grouchy old man. My cousins, I don't think, ever had a chance to picture him differently. Papa thought they didn't care, my cousins, I don't think, ever had the opportunity to learn they might care.

Most of you who take the time to read this know that Papa died in January of this year. When Papa died, of course the information about the will got out. We didn't have anymore time to try to fix the broken relationship between Papa, Pam and Joy anymore. The wall went up, and I'm asking for prayers that it might come down one day.

It killed my mom, and hurt her, she was torn between not wanting to lose her sisters, and doing what Papa wanted. Papa's wish was that she follow his wants for the will, so she tried to. I wish it had just been about money, if it was just money mom would have just split it and kept her sisters. It was never about the money, it was about what Papa asked be done.

When Joy and Pam found they were no longer in the will, they contested the will. I won't even tell you the horrible things they said about Dad, Mom, and Papa to say why the new will wasn't valid, that's all in the past and can't be undone.

This week Mom called to let me know it was finally over with. She had given Pam and Joy some money, and Papa's car if I remember right. Mom is relieved it's finally over, she hated fighting her sisters, so in one way she's glad. The thing is, Mom feels like she let Papa down in not fighting it all the way, she worries that he's upset with her now for not fighting to the finish over it.

I told Mom that Papa knows she tried. Papa knows she took it this far, and followed her lawyers advice. I can't see that Papa would hold this against her.

I'm hoping, now with the will being over, maybe the three sisters will speak again, even if they can't be friends, maybe they can be sisters again. I ask for prayers asking it to happen.

I hope Joy and Pam see what they lost with Papa, all the wasted years, and how all it did was wreck their relationship with him, and Papa died thinking his daughters didn't care. I pray Joy and Pam can see what happened between them and Papa and realize it just wasn't worth it. They've already lost their father, all three of them, I hope they don't choose to lose each other also.

Please pray for them.

When Papa passed away, the day before the actual funeral service, the pastor that would be performing the ceremony asked the family to meet him to talk to him about who Papa was. It amazed me how different Joy, Pam and their families view differed from our families view of Papa. I was shocked to see that they had no clue who Papa was anymore. Looking back I knew who they thought Papa was, because it's who I thought Papa was before 2000, I called Papa grandpa until that point - Papa didn't become 'Papa' until I finally saw 'Papa'. They saw Papa as a grumpy old man who complained a lot, who said mean things, who drank as soon as 1pm came, who would squeeze every last penny out of a dollar. They saw Papa as a man who didn't have a lot of fun, and always complained about what people did. They saw the guy that said mean things, and no matter what you did he would say you didn't do it right, or at least from what they said that was who they saw.

Joy, Pam and their families weren't there to see Papa give up smoking after 55 plus years of doing so. They weren't there when he started picking up Pepsi's rather than drinking beer all day. They didn't get to see Papa eyes light up when Jessica, my niece would run up to him and hug him and tell him she loved him. Papa would never admit that he liked it, but you could see in his eyes that he did. I don't know if they ever realized that Papa wasn't intentionally mean, he just said what he thought because he didn't lie to people. I don't know that they could imagine Papa driving a motorized wheelchair all around Busch Gardens and enjoying himself. I doubt they ever got to see Papa attempt to bowl, he had a blast at it, even though he wasn't any good. I don't know if they ever realized that Papa never asked for the things that were the most important to him. Papa would complain nonstop about the mess my nephews made whenever they were in his house, at the same time he'd talk about the crazy stuff they did for weeks later, and would ask when they would be back. Papa would complain about how noisy our whole family was when we all were at his place, but he would talk about how quite things were when we were gone. It always seemed to be the things he never said that bothered him. Papa would never admit he was lonely, but he'd ask when you were visiting again.

I cried after Joy, Pam, and their families left. Some of the tears were for missing Papa, most were not. It was at that moment that I realized that their families had no clue what they missed. I cried because of all that they never even knew they didn't have. Kelley didn't have a clue how to make me feel better when I was crying for someone else. They will never mourn the loss of Papa the way we did, because they never knew Papa the way we did.

I hope, and I pray, and I ask you to pray, that the same thing doesn't happen between Mom, Joy and Pam. I pray that at some point they will realize the past is the past, and you can't change it, but you can change the future. I can't imagine they would start talking like nothing happened, but all three of them lost their father, I pray they don't lose each other before any of them are in their graves.

Noah's Ark

2009-10-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

Noah's Ark Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark .

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Still missing him...

2009-09-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

So many people ask "How you doing?" I'm not really sure who wants to hear the truth, and who wants the easy lie. It's so easy to just say 'fine' rather than admit that it still feels like your world fell to pieces all around you.

I have a silver picture frame that says "Born with love" and a picture of Christopher beside the bed. Some days it feels so good to have it there, and other days it's just a reminder of the wound that is still bleeding freely. It still catches my eye and all I can do is sit and stare at the picture and remember all the dreams I had for my little boy.

There are still mornings where everything comes rushing back like a recent nightmare.

A couple people have asked how my faith is doing in the middle of all this. One person even said that this was just more proof that 'my God' wasn't here.

My belief in God never wavered, my faith in Him did. I know that God is there, He's been too much a part of my life, I've seen to many things to ever doubt that God exists. At the same time there was a point when I questioned if I wanted to continue to offer my life to a God who takes a child this way. I was never angry at God for taking Christopher, I am still angry at God for not saving Chris though. I believe in miracles, I've seen them, I've felt them, and I'm still upset that God chose this moment not perform one.

At the same time I know there is a reason, I may never know what that reason is, but it's there none the less. Knowing and understanding are not the same though. I can say I doubt I will ever understand why I had to lose my baby boy. I will never understand the pain that this loss has caused to so many.

I also know that God knows I'm angry at Him, and being the forgiving God that He is, He is okay with that. God isn't going to hold my anger against me, no matter how long I hold Him responsible for it.

There are two things that help bring me some calm from the storm I feel raging inside of me right now. One is my husband, without Kelley I doubt I would be here now. I am so thankful that of all the people in his life he chose to be with me. I hate to bring my pain to Kelley because I know it freshly opens the wound for him, so most of the time I don't, but I know when I do he'll be there for me.

The other thing is knowing that there will be a time when I get to see my son again. God has given that promise. All I can do until that point is live my life to be the type of person my son would be proud of. I wonder what Chris will look like on that day? What color are his eyes? What color is his hair?

The last words of my prayers at night are asking God to take care of my son. To make sure that Christopher knows I love him, and I miss him, and that he will never be forgotten. I pray that Chris knows that no matter how brief his life here on Earth was, that he changed the lives of many forever.

Pictures from the house fire . . .

2009-08-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

When I first posted about the house fire I had taken the pictures, just not uploaded them. I uploaded some of them and took a quick shot of how the patio looks now. Figured I would share them with everyone.

This picture is of the main area that caught fire. If you look at the left of the photo that is our sliding glass patio doors. Up against that wall was a 6ft five shelf bookcase, a metal smoker, a 4ft long by 3ft high(ish) shelf next to that one. There was a 50 gallon plastic bin that had lots of gardening goods in there as well.

The roof of the patio - you can see the sliding glass doors in this one also.

The patio furniture that is to the left as you face the patio doors. They were about six to seven feet from the actual fire. As you can see the metal wicker part of the chairs is melted - also the planter that was seven/eight feet away had the side next to the fire melted off completely. The pillows that are out there for my back melted also, even from that far from the fire.

This is a picture of the wall, again, that had the 5 shelf bookcase and the other shelf along with two metal smokers. The one smoker was completely gone, the other just melted a bit - you can see it laying on it's side.

A good shot of the sliding glass doors and our Chubbs standing in the doorway. The sliding screen door was melted - it shattered the first pane of glass on each of the doors, both doors were warped, the plastic holding the pane of glass that didn't shattered was melted as well.

A view from the sliding glass doors. That metal piece in the middle is all that was left of Kelley's little smoker - the rest of the metal was just gone.

Another shot from the sliding glass doors out.

And the fixed product:
http://inlinethumb57.webshots.com/35000/2275347350101825589S425x425Q85.jpg

Follow up OB visit

2009-08-08T12:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (Friday) was my follow up appointment with Dr. Leeds. I was supposed to return to see her within two weeks, but to be honest just couldn't make the appointment. I finally did, and returned to see her.

Dr. Leeds and I talked about a lot of the questions I've had and it made me feel better that she agrees on most things with me.

She asked me if I was on birth control, as we have to wait two full cycles to try again. I told her that I didn't see the point of starting taking pills that take a month to work, just to stop taking them again. She agreed on that, as long as we used protection.

I asked her about a question I had based on what a nurse at the hospital said. The nurse had said that they would monitor my cervical length weekly, and if it changed they would then put the cerclage in. That wasn't good enough for me. I had an ultrasound Friday showing everything fine, and my cervix had opened by Wednesday. I told her I wanted the cerclage in as soon as possible, I'm not willing to risk this happening again. She said that sounded like a reasonable request given my situation and she supported me in that.

Not sure how many are actually reading this - but another thing she made sure I understood was that the cerclage would not be put in before as soon as we find out we are pregnant. I understand this, but for some it might not make sense. Statistically about 1/3 of pregnancies end in miscarriage - most of those being before the woman has even missed her period, or realized she could possibly be pregnant. 90%ish of miscarriages occur during the first trimester (no these aren't hard fact numbers just guestimates of what I've been told/read). These losses are normally due to their being a problem/birth defect with the baby that our bodies know, not a problem with the mother. Doctors do not want to preform the cerclage surgery on a mother, risking infection and all the risks of surgery, for her body to naturally miscarry the baby. If they do that the mom risks infection and worse from her body holding in a baby that has miscarried, and they won't know until the next time she has an ultrasound done. I'm not sure if I explained that well enough, hope it makes sense.

Dr. Leeds also let me know that at 14 weeks I would start getting weekly shots. The shots would be to help the baby mature quicker. It will help the babies lungs, heart and such become stronger so that baby has a better chance of surviving if we end up giving birth early again.

She also mentioned they have medication I would be given to prevent contractions as well.

I thanked Dr. Leeds, again, for letting Kelley and I fight for Christopher. Even when all the high risk doctors she spoke to were telling her to force us to induce right away, Dr. Leeds let us at least TRY to see if Chris could be saved. Giving us the opportunity to fight, to see if things could get better, helped us more than words could ever say. We know that we didn't just give up, we know we did everything we could to save our son, if she hadn't allowed us that we would forever have been asking "what if". The answer I received was "Those doctors weren't there and weren't the ones that would have had to tell you 'no'. Those doctors didn't see that you weren't ready to give up." She said that she knew that we weren't willing to quit without a fight, and that there was still a very slim chance things could have gotten better. She said she knew that no matter how small that chance we wanted to at least TRY. Knowing that Dr. Leeds realized we would have done anything meant a lot to me.

I asked Dr. Leeds if she would mind being the main doctor at Sun Life in charge of our pregnancy and she said she'd be honored. That she hoped to see me, when we were ready, pregnant again and that she would be happy to help bring that baby home with us. She said that my next pregnancy will mean all that much more to her because of what we'd been through together and that she would never forget Kelley, Christopher and I.

So, that is the latest update on "things". Kelley and I are doing okay still. I've had a few rough days, but I've gotten through those. Kelley has been amazing, always there for me in any way I need him. It's also been great to know that our friends and family are there too. Thank you, everyone, for all the prayers and good wishes you are sending our way, they mean more than words could ever say.

~Tammy~

How it feels . . .

2009-07-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

This is something I wrote close to three weeks ago. It was a bit of what I was feeling at the time. When this was wrote I had no intention of sharing it with anyone, it was just a way of venting at the time. Someone told me I should share it more, so here it is.

I can't imagine this is just how "I" feel, or felt at the time. I think anyone who has suffered a loss too early feels a lot of the same things.

"You know when you leave the hospital after giving birth to a baby who God took way too soon they give you lots of information. The doctors and nurses, and even well meaning friends and family say lots of different things. The fact is though, no one seems to say it all, or know when to leave well enough alone. People mean well, but if they've never been there they don't get that sometimes the best medicine is a hug, and knowing that they care. Even if they have been there, their three losses doesn't make this loss of yours hurt less. The fact that their mother's sister's cousin's stepfather's monkey lost two babies doesn't make this loss any easier to take.

They tell you that you are going to bleed, you just gave birth. The nurses are as compassionate and as kind as they can be as they give you the pads and tell you that you might have a period for the next six weeks - to expect what seems like a lot of blood for awhile. They don't tell you that sometimes you wish there were more pain to go with the blood, that maybe that pain, physical pain, would hurt less than feeling this pain coming from everywhere in you, and everywhere you look. The nurses tell you to take motrin for the cramping, it will make it a little easier. Don't they get that you want to feel pain, physical pain would be so much easier to deal with. You want a pain that would take your mind and spirit off of the pain that seems to be ripping you apart, one tiny piece of your heart at a time.

They tell you that your body has to go through the natural birth process, and the bleeding is part of that. What's natural about a baby leaving this world before he ever came into it? What's natural about losing a child? What's natural about them telling you that there is no choice, it's either the baby, or you and the baby? They don't seem to understand that sometimes you wish it had been both of you, because at least then you'd be with him. At least if you'd gone with him then your arm's wouldn't be aching to hold him knowing they never will. At least then you could see him open his eyes. At least then your heart wouldn't feel so far away.

Another thing that they share with you is that there is a strong chance that your milk is going to come in. They tell you what to do, wrap up your chest tight, take cold showers, don't let running water run over your chest, don't allow your nipples to be stimulated. The nurses don't warn you that your body doesn't know you've lost the child you've been dreaming of. No one tells you that you'll have to walk through a Target store to get a sport bra, to hold your boobs tightly, to help keep your breasts from hurting from your milk coming in to feed the child that isn't there. The nurses don't tell you that hearing a baby cry will make your chest ache in a way that it's never ached before, a way that is just one more reminder of how you failed your child.

Another thing I've noticed is that everyone wants to know how you are doing; you as in the mom. No one seems to ask how daddy is doing. No one seems to understand that watching dad go through this pain is worse than going through it yourself. Nobody realizes that you would give anything to be able to take that pain away from him. There isn't anyone out there that warns you that you'll forever wonder if dad would have been better off never knowing, never loving, and never having you in their life, because without all that, this pain would not be there for them. They don't seem to understand that you know that without you, he wouldn't have to be hurting this way.

When people ask, and people call,
They ask if I'm alright.
No one seems to notice, or remember
He too lost a child that night..

When you lose a child people don't warn you that you'll feel lost in places that you've been a million times before. No one tells you that you'll never feel so lost, so scared, so hopeless, or so claustrophobic in your entire life. No one warns you that you won't be able to breathe, that the world suddenly will have no air left in it, and you won't be able to move. They don't warn you that all the sudden every store has baby stuff everywhere, and that every single woman everywhere you go is going to be pregnant. Suddenly you feel like the only person out there who isn't pregnant or doesn't have a baby in their arms. Everywhere you look will be a reminder of the child that should still be inside of you, the child that should still be with you.

No one warns you that starting each day is like being shocked awake after a nightmare. That every morning when you begin to regain the ability to think it's like having the nightmare of the past come rushing in all at once. They don't tell you that every morning the pain feels fresh, like it just happened. Each day starts out with tears that you can't stop and you wonder why and what the point is of even waking up each morning. You end up laying there in bed reliving each and every moment all over again, wanting and wishing that the baby that should still be in you was still there. Your hand moves to the round belly thats suddenly flatter, wishing you could feel the kicks and flutters just one more time.

Well meaning people tell you "at least you were able to get pregnant" they tell you "you'll have another baby". They don't seem to understand that this baby, this child, isn't replaceable. It's not like a broken watch that you can just go out and buy a new one - even if this baby never took a breath of air he was a baby. This baby was a person, your child, and you can't just forget him, or switch him out. A new baby might be in your future, but that new baby won't take away the hurt of losing this one. Being able to get pregnant isn't the same as bringing a beautiful life into this world, raising them and watching them grow. All it means is you can get pregnant, it doesn't mean you can bring a happy healthy child home to his nursery, and be there for their first cuts and bruises. They don't seem to understand you don't want a replacement, you don't want another baby, you want the life that was lost.

All of the sudden people don't know what to say when you are around. All of a sudden conversations stop when you get close. Friends who used to call every day suddenly don't. People avoid talking about your baby after you've lost them. What no one tells you, and no one seems to understand is that you wish someone would talk about your baby. People are going on living their lives like nothing happened and all you want is to know that you aren't the only person out there who is going to remember your child. You baby was alive, and real, and you loved him, and it hurts that people won't bring him up. They think they are saving you the pain of remembering him, and yes it does hurt, but at least you know someone else remembers him too. Your baby may not have been here on this earth very long, but he was here. Your baby made an impact on your life, and changed you, how is it that no one else seems to see that? How is it that no one else realizes that someone lost their life, and that someone deserves to be mourned, and praised. Just because he wasn't around very long does not mean he didn't change the world. Sometimes it seems like you and your husband are the only two people who even knew this baby existed, the only two people who will ever care that he was here and is gone. Just so you know that you and hubby aren't the only two people who are feeling this loss. Sometimes you just wish someone would mention his name just so you know he was real.

No one warns you that you might feel guilty for laughing, really laughing. They don't warn you how when you do finally laugh for real, for the first time, that it hits you like a ton of bricks how long it's been since you really did laugh. No one seems to understand that it's okay to tell a joke, it's okay for them to be happy, you need to see the sun shining now more than ever. Your world feels like you are in the middle of a thunderstorm that's never ending and you need nothing more than that little ray of light.

No one out there can give you the words to explain how you wish you could find yourself doubting God. They don't warn you that doubting God's existence would be easier. While you can't find it in you to doubt God, while you can't find a way to pretend He didn't exist, there were times you wish you could. It would be so much easier to view the taking of this tiny life as an act of nature, than an act of God. It would be easier to say that it "just happened" than to try to figure out why God would allow this to happen. What reason could God possibly have, what lesson could be learned, from bringing a life into this world to take it away before it has a chance to live? You've spent years of your life worshipping God, praising Him, offering Him your life to do what He may, and He chose to take your child? What could possibly be the lesson here? You know that God gave His only Son up for you. At the same time Christ lived, and lives. God was able to see His Son grow, God was able to see Christ no matter what or where He was, because God knows and see's all. God was able to call Christ back to Him, you don't have that option. The only time you've had with your child was the time they spent inside of you. Your child was not even given the chance to live. God brought His Son to Him, God took your child from you. People will tell you that God did not take your child from you, that was Satan trying to pull you from God, and Satan chose to take your child's life. Then you think of the Bible saying that nothing can happen to you that does not go through God Himself. So why would God then allow this? Despite the fact that you wish you you could doubt Him, you wish that you could find it in yourself to pretend God wasn't there, you can't. All that's left for you to do is accept. All that's left is for you to hold God to His promise, that you will see your child again in Heaven. All that's left is for you to continue living your life for God, knowing that God will not lie, and that He keeps His word. People mean well when they tell you "He's in a better place", what they don't know is how you long to be there too. People mean well, but they don't know that sometimes all that keeps you going is knowing that God has promised you a place in Heaven, and it's only there you will see your child again.

Everyone tells you "this isn't your fault". How is this NOT your fault? How do you get over the fact that it was your body that let this child down? How are you supposed to get through the day knowing that it was your body that killed your child? It was your cervix that wouldn't hold on tight enough. It was your cervix that opened too soon. It was your body that let this happen. It was your body that kicked your baby out too many weeks too soon. They tell you that there was nothing you could have done. How do they know? How could you not know that something was wrong, it was your body after all? How come you couldn't feel that the baby's life was in danger. It was your job to protect this child, to grow this life, to bring this baby into the world ready to go. It was your body that let his life be put in danger. It was your body that caused his life to end early. Nobody tells you that if there was anything in this world you felt the need to apologize for it would be the fact that you failed your child when it mattered most.

~Tammy Doern~"

The future...

2009-07-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

First, I want to thank everyone for the support you have given to both Kelley and I. While we may not take everyone up on the offers to talk, or for whatever else we need, it means a lot to us. Just knowing that there are people out there praying for us, thinking about us, and there if we need them makes it easier to keep going. It's sort of like a fisherman and the coast guard... they hope they never need the help of the coast guard but it's comforting knowing they are there if they do.

I figured I would let everyone know what the tentative plans are right now.

This blog is going to keep going. When I started this blog it was going to be the story of my pregnancy, bringing my son/daughter into the world, and the ups and downs of raising our baby to be a happy, healthy, caring person. No one could have seen in advance the turns that took place during the pregnancy, or ending the pregnancy. As far as the future, I hope the blog will go the same way, the story just isn't going to be as quick and concise as we'd hoped.

Kelley and I still want a child. Whether that child in the end is borne from me, or we adopt, we will at some point have a child in our lives. Kelley and I have both decided that we would like to try again for a baby when we can. The doctors have given me the time frame for when we can try again, and when we are mentally and physically ready we will.

As far as the reason we lost Christopher, it was due to finding out I have an "incompetent cervix". What this means is that my cervix simply is not strong to hold a baby in. Basically the cervix starts opening and your body cannot hold the baby in. Based on what I've read, and heard, more than 25% of second trimester losses are attributed to incompetent cervix. That number they believe should be much higher as too often babies are lost without them knowing why - and the only way to be sure it's the IC is to do ultrasounds of the cervix. I've also found that about 2% of all pregnancies deal with an incompetent cervix - which to me is a pretty high number.

There has been a ton of research done on incompetent cervix, ways to prevent it, what causes it, and how to tell if a woman is going to deal with it. Research has found precious little information. They have yet to find anything that can prevent someone from having IC, and they have not found any way of telling in advance if or when a woman will deal with IC.

What does this mean for a future pregnancy? What this means is that if/when we become pregnant again I can look forward to many many more doctor visits. From what I've heard I will have at the least bi-weekly ultrasounds checking my cervix, and possible twice weekly visits.

They have something they call a "cerclage" that will be put in place between weeks 12-16 of the pregnancy. A cerclage is basically them tying or stitching the cervix closed so that it cannot open early, it's a small surgery. When I reach weeks 36 plus in the pregnancy at some point they will go in and take out the cerclage. There are quite a few risks to having a cerclage done, but it's positives outweight those by far.

What are the risks? Having the cerclage put in can cause infection, and it can also a miscarriage. I could also go into preterm labor just having the cerclage put in. Later during the pregnancy if I start having contraction that can cause serious problems with the cerclage - and could even cause the cerclage to rip my cervix. So often the woman is given medication, shots or pills, to take if she thinks she is feeling contractions to prevent this.

Depending on how the pregancy goes I may have no limitations extra compared to a "regular" pregnancy, or I could end up on bedrest for most of the pregnancy. It all depends on God, my body, and the baby.

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers, it's heartening to know that so many people care about us.

Homesick

2009-07-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

"Homesick"

performed by MercyMe

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Pictures of Christopher Allen

2009-07-09T20:59:00.001-07:00

Here are a few images we have of our son. I ask that anyone choosing to look please remember that Chris was just barely 1/2 way through a normal full term pregnancy. Christopher is very small and is bruised from the delivery. These pictures may be upsetting for some people to look at, even if you feel that you were prepared to look at them.

The first set of images are of the things that were in the memory box provided to us by the hospital. There will be a large break between the memory box items and the photographs of Kelley, Christopher, and I.

You can also view all the photo's at:
(You can also view every image we have of him there including tummy shots and the ultrasounds)

http://community.webshots.com/user/TammyDoern?vhost=community

"The true measure of a life, and love, is not measured by how long the flame burned here on Earth; it's how long the fire burns in your heart." - Tammy Doern
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Everything that was in the memory box.

Christopher's foot and handprints.

The hat and gown that were given for Chris to wear.

Three minutes of Christopher's heartbeat on paper. The very low dips are during the contractions that I was having at the time.

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(Here is a large space so you don't have to see them if don't think you can handle it.)

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Me holding Chris in my hand

Kelley holding Chris

Kelley holding Chris' hand

Kelley and I with Christopher

Chris and I

Think you had a rough week?

2009-07-09T20:24:00.001-07:00

There are quite a few people who are aware that last week was the "week from hell" for Kelley and I. There are a few who know the details, and many who don't.

Kelley has a smoker that he's used a million times before. He's smoked everything from salmon, to a whole turkey, to he's last item which was bacon. We decided Kelley would make some more bacon... what we've done before is he'll set it up and I check on it during the day while he's at work.

Tuesday Kelley started the bacon ... and we have a meat thermometer that you stick the probe into the meat, you set a separate thing up to what temperature you want the meat to be done at, and you get to watch the temperature of what you are cooking from where ever you are.

Now understand that the last time Kelley made bacon (with a slightly smaller pork belly in my opinion) it took seven hours to get to temperature with the exact same set up. It had been almost three hours and the bacon was 20 degree's from being done already. This sort of concerned me some so instead of going back to sleep I decided to take a shower instead.

I walked back into the bathroom to start my shower, had my shirt and shorts off, and smelled burning plastic. Wondering if I had left something to close to the smoker I decided to go check and threw on Kelley's heavy robe. As I'm walking around the corner the smoke alarm in the house goes off, and I look at the back porch and an entire wall of our porch is on fire. Yeah. Bad.

I call the dogs, grab the phone, dial 911, and get the dog leashes. I realize I don't have time to get clothes, or dressed, so I head out the front door to tie the dogs up somewhere. My house phone is STILL ringing for 911. (Yeah, talk about pissed).

I open the front door and there is a woman standing there with her cell phone out, I asked her to call 911 - which she said she already had - and was told that they had received multiple calls already. This woman was awesome and offered to hold my huge dogs while I ran back in to grab our cat. Which I found and was very glad that our bed was no longer on the frame or he would have been under it.

To make a long story short it was 110 degree's out, I'm standing out in the very very hot sun with no shoes and in a very thick robe with my house on fire.

We ended up very lucky and the fire only shattered the first pane of glass on our patio sliding door, and didn't get through the final bit of wall to the garage. We did end up with a lot of smoke in the house, and our power and water couldn't be turned on due to melting of the wires and pipes in the wall.

The patio is completely trashed. Our dogs can't stay here because of all the stuff in the backyard and chemicals from the fire. We also can't use our sliding glass door.

The good news? Turns out all it takes to get a maid here is to catch your house on fire. The insurance company is covering them coming in and wiping all of our house down, and the dusting. They also covered having every single piece of fabric professionally cleaned (yes down to the last washcloth).

That's the first thing.
Next, the problems with the baby, and finding out we have no way of keeping Christopher.
Our third - as I was being induced in the beginning and the contractions started getting really bad Kelley gets called down to the ER to find out his car had been broken into while he was at the hospital with me.

blog Hijacked

2009-07-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

So I just wanted to Hi-Jack this blog momentarily to let people know that we are learning to live with this pain. Every breath is just a bit easier then the last. We have our ups and our downs. Sometimes more downs then ups but we have each other. The other night Tammy came to me and said "I wish you didn't hurt, but I am glad that it is you that is going through it with me." Honestly that is the same way I feel. I would do anything to take away the pain, to make things okay. But I can't so I learn to deal and I help my wife deal and she helps me deal. I love Tammy with all my heart and it kills me to see her hurt this way. So I try to make her smile (I succeed most of the time) and when I dont I hold her and cry with her. It's hard to describe how in what seems like a blink of an eye your whole world can change. I still see my son when I close my eyes, and sometimes when I am awake. I wish i could have gotten to know the man he would have become. I know God has a reason for everything that happens. I pray that some day I may know the reason why. But I trust Him and know that He does know best. Anyways, Tammy is out of the shower now so I need to hurry before my Hi-jack gets caught. Thanks to all those that keep us in your thoughts and prayers...it means alot to us when we hear that. Most of all keep smiling, this was our first, but not our last. We have many more happy memories to make in the future :)

~Kelley

Bad News

2009-07-05T22:33:00.001-07:00

I'm going to apologize first for the fact that this is one big mass email, but this isn't something I have it in me to type up more than once. There are many of you that I would rather send personalized messages to, and who deserve it, but I just can't do it.

On July 4, 2009 at 12:51am, Kelley and my son, Christopher Allen Doern came into this world and left it.

For those who want to know, and know enough to understand what I'm going to say, here is what happened (it might be a little descriptive for some, and lengthy, but I'm detaching myself from it as I write):

Thursday morning I had bleeding and headed into the OB triage at the local hospital. The first thing that the doctors did was order an ultrasound - you may know that the ultrasound tech's can't tell you a thing, sort of like xray tech's have to have a radiologist look at them and a doctor or similiar give you results. While the tech was doing the ultrasound - you could tell something was wrong, and at one point she looked downright scared. After the ultrasound the doctor came in and let me know what they discovered: Christopher was breached (upside down to how they prefer), that my cervix had dilated to 3 - it shouldn't have been open at all. They also found that part of my amniotic fluid sac (the sac of liquid the baby floats in) had come through the cervix and was hanging out into my vaginal opening - very very bad, at one point it was completely outside of the vagina all together. The amniotic fluid levels that Christopher was floating in was measured at an 8. The time when the tech looked scared - Chris had kicked his foot right through my cervix.The lowest that a baby can survive in is a six. The best news that we were given was that the babies heart was beating at 160 - which is great.

The doctors here in Casa Grande immediately called a larger hospital in Tucson and several high risk OB's for more options. Basically the same thing was said all around - I should be induced immediately to start labor, knowing the baby wouldn't make it, because there is a huge risk of infection from the sac hanging out. The doctor there told me what they thought - it wasn't good enough of an option for me. So, I asked what we could do to give the baby and God a chance to try to fix things. We wouldn't allow ourselves to give up without giving God and Chris a chance for a miracle. We couldn't willing go ahead and induce knowing that Chris was too young, even with all the miracles and leaps in technology, to make it.

My question was if the sac had moved in so much, couldn't we try to give it a chance to go back in? The OB here, seemed surprised that I was willing to risk so much, and unwilling to just give up. She took a comment I'd made - that I would be willing to stand on my head the rest of the pregnancy to keep Christopher in place, and my question that couldn't we try to allow it to fix itself, so we would attempt to put my head lower than the rest of me, allowing gravity to pull the sac back into place. I wasn't allowed to sit up, stand, walk, or move very much, for risk of both breaking open the fluid sac (having my water break), increasing the chance of infection (by the doctors opinion it was already too high), or having the sac come even further out. Kelley and I spent the entire day praying for a miracle, and some good news.

The greatest thing at the time was that every single time they checked Chris' heart was beating strong, letting us know he was fighting for his life too. The doctors and nurses were all cheering for us at every check. Also, they were checking my temperature very often, and my white blood cell count, both things that would show if I had an infection - and things looked good.

Friday afternoon they did another ultrasound - and things had gotten worse. The amniotic sac was further out, even with all the fluid they were pumping into me there was even less fluid, I was at a 7 now. My white blood cell count had also risen - and my temp too.

My doctor at the time wanted to double check the comparisons to make sure, and make some calls. She spent probably four hours on the phone with other doctors and looking for anything new on the web.

The doctor came in later and let us know she'd looked everywhere and gotten second, third, and fourth opinions, and everyone agreed, we were gambling my life, and my chances to ever have children in the future. The high risk doctors were upset that they hadn't forced us to induce already. They offered to lifeflight me to Tucson for the induction, in case I would feel safer there, but Tucson would induce me the moment they got me there.

All we could do was accept the fact that there wasn't a choice. If it had been me or Christopher, even though I know Kelley wouldn't have approved of it, I would have given me for Christopher in a heart beat. That choice didn't exist, it was Chris, or Chris and myself. Without any other option we asked our pastor to
come, and a few friends came to the hospital as well.

Kelley and I had to then do the hardest thing either of us has ever faced, tell the doctors we were as ready as we were going to be for induction, knowing that our child, the miracle we'd been praying for eight years, Christopher, wouldn't live. We were going to start the end of Christophers life, and that heart beat we'd been so happy to hear each time would stop beating because of it.

So, as I said, at 12:51AM Christopher Allen Doern was born into this world, and God took him into His arms. Apparently as much as we wanted this child, God wanted Chris with Him more.

I am now out of the hospital. Kelley and I are doing as well as I think we can under these circumstances. I am not showing signs of infection as of yet. Unless I develop and infection I should be able to get pregnant again in the future.

For those who would like to know, we were allowed private time with Christopher, and we do have photo's, the hospital also took some, and once we can handle it to look at them long enough to download them, they will be posted on our baby blog. When that will be I do not know.

Baby Nursery/Registry

2009-06-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

We've gotten a lot of questions and comments on what we are doing with the nursery/baby room now that we know we are having a boy. We've also had several people ask if we are registering for gifts for Christopher, and where we would be doing that.

First, with the nursery, here is a current picture:

So, yes, we have made progress. Right now it's a lot of actually getting around to moving boxes out and finding a new place to put things that were in what was the computer room. Thus far I think Kelley and I have decided to do a jungle/safari type theme for the nursery. We both have seemed to like bedding sets that revolved around a jungle theme - plus Kelley likes the green thing. I also think that a jungle/safari theme will leave things open much more than choosing Winnie-the-poo or Mickey Mouse, Fire Trucks, or sports. Will we paint the nursery? I don't know right now (I think Kelley would prefer no). I do plan on doing some art of my own to hang on the walls in there related to the jungle theme, and am pretty sure that I will be able to do it successfully.

Baby furniture - we are looking right now. Within the next few weeks Kelley and I will take a day to go and check out all sorts of cribs. The crib is my main concern right now as it will be used the most, and will have the greatest effect on my back. I have to make sure that the crib fits me, and is one that I can easily use. I'm leaning towards white furniture as I'm not big on really dark furniture and white goes with just about everything. It's also something that in the future if we have another baby we will be able to use with a boy or girl, and any theme.

Now as far as registering - I haven't the first clue about exactly how you register or what to register for. Any input would be very welcome. I've had several people suggest to register at either Kmart or Walmart, then Target (I guess Target is a must), then some where like Kohls JCPenny or Sears, as well as Babies R Us. Any input on that? Do you register at more than one place? We will be registering, it's just figuring out how, where and for what that has me thrown. then of course is the "what" do you register for? A few have said register for everything from baby furniture to pacifiers, it just seems weird. Like I said, info and a possible "how to guide" on doing the whole baby registry thing would be great! One way or another I figure we will have the registry thing taken care of in the next 2-4 weeks.

Hope this answers the questions for some of you. :)

Update from OB appointment

2009-06-28T15:33:00.001-07:00

There were a few things I didn't mention when talking about my last OB visit, sorry finding out we had a boy was more important...

One of those things was that Dr. Dickson is okay with scheduling a C-section. I discussed with him the fact that the nurses and two of the OB's I saw while in the hospital last time seemed afraid/reluctant to deal with the issues that might arise with me being a high risk pregnancy. One of those issues is my back problems. One of the OB's (who I am no longer seeing) went so far as to say that due to my L4-L5-S1 lumbar fusion I "will have a hard time finding an anesthesiologist that will touch" me. I guess thier favorite area to do an epidural is the L4-L5 area, and with me that will not be an option at all due to the hardware there.

No, a C-section isn't definite at this point, but I think both Kelley and I agree that it would be much less stressful, and dangerous on my back. Several OB's in the past have mentioned that I would be an "automatic C-section" due to the fact that I could quite easily rupture/herniate/buldge another/more disc's in my back during labor. I would hate to choose regular labor and hurt my back further and be unable to take care of the baby due to that injury.

Another thing is that the more I think about it, the better I think it would be for Christopher if I breast feed. So, after discussing it with Dr. Dickson he agreed that if I really want to, it's done correctly, and my pain levels/body can handle it he would be okay with me coming off of my pain medications prior to delivery. His concern (as expressed before) is that severe pain, like what I deal with on a daily basis, is dangerous for both me, and the unborn baby. Even moderate pain levels have been known to cause pre-term (early) delivery, problems during delivery, in some cases (earlier on during pregnancy than I would be dealing with it) miscarriage. If I were to stay off of the pain medications for more than a few weeks while carrying Chris it could cause brain damage, heart damage, birth defects, and miscarriage. The reason behind that is that increased pain raises your blood pressure as well as other things that I can't remember, none of which are good for a growing baby.

I can't promise that I will be able to go without the pain medication, but I do want to find out. Just getting off of the pain medication long enough so that Chris won't be born dependant/addicted to the medication to me would be good. It would be one less thing that we would have to worry about, weaning him off the medication, and having a newborn going through the symptoms/problems associated with withdrawal. Another thing for me at least is all the benefits of breast feeding, even if it is only for a couple days or weeks. I would be willing to deal with the pain (I hope) in order to give him that jump start... it would also save on formula. I figure we will work on making sure that Chris drinks both breast milk and formula if possible so that when the time comes for me to start the medications again, due to pain and needing to take care of a newborn, it won't be as stressful on him.

All of my doctors at this point are making it clear that the choice is up to me, and they will support me whichever way I decide to go, which is great. I can say that the team of my regular OB Dr. Edwards, the high risk OB Dr. Dickson, and my pain management doctor Dr. Halter are working out great. It is such a relief that they are allowing me to make the choices here and not be forced down one path or another just because of my back, or it would be easier on them or me. All three are interested more in what is good for the baby and me, before what will make their lives easier. I'm very thankful for that.

It's a ________!!!!!

2009-06-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

*Whole body shot of baby*

Today was a big appointment for Kelley and I. We had a level two ultrasound scheduled. What is a level two ultrasound? Pretty much a more in depth ultrasound. This ultrasound was to check out me and the baby - and was to go in a little more detail.

The ultrasound tech started with me, checking my insides to make sure things looked good. She scanned my uterus overall, my cervix, and all sorts of things around there to make sure that nothing would be a problem, that they could tell, in the future.

*Slightly closer up full body shot*

Next came baby. She started by checking the babies head, she also checked the thickness of the skin on the back of babies head. She checked the nasal bone length and things like that. We got to see each of the chambers of the heart, and there was a cool thing she could do to show the blood flow through the heart as well. We were able to see the whole spine, ribs, everything in detail, it was incredibly neat. Being able to see each of the babies ribs, each tiny little bone, was just awesome. When asked for a guess on about how big the baby is right now - I was told about 10 inches long. TEN inches of baby is sitting inside of me right now, in just 20 weeks baby has gone from not even a dog to ten inches from the top of his head to his feet, it's just incredible to think about.

*shot of baby's heart*

We let the ultrasound tech know that we would be delighted if she could tell us what we were having. She let us know that the babies legs were wide open (no leg crossing, or hiding, being shy) which to me meant that it would be a good view. The tech also asked if I had any feelings as to what we were having. I told her the truth, I thought it was a boy, I've felt we were having a boy since I first got pregnant, I can't explain why, but it's just how I felt.

That was when she told me that my gut was right! It's a boy! His name is Christopher Allen Doern - in memory of Kelley's best friend growing up. I think the greatest moment for me, was the look on Kelley's face, and the look in his eyes as he said "we're having a boy".

*It's a boy - and he's got the parts to prove it, there's a small arrow pointing to the goods*

Chris was moving around the entire time, I think that was the hardest thing the tech had to deal with, Chris bouncing and moving all over the place the entire time. At one point when she was showing us his heart, he put his hand over his heart - Kelley called him a patriot. There were also so many times when he was sucking his thumb, or it looked like it.

*By far my favorite ultrasound shot thus far - Christopher sucking his thumb in the womb, apparently we have a pacifier baby*

Last day of the first half...

2009-06-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of the first half of my pregnancy. As of tomorrow I will be the full 20 weeks pregnant, and in the second half of the pregnancy.

Truthfully, the evening I saw the positive pregnancy test I never thought that this baby was going to stick around. I had this dream for so long and spent the first 15 weeks of the pregnancy in disbelief that it had finally come true. Add on top of that my scare with my stomach problems at the end of May, I'm still amazed.

On Wednesday I had an appointment with my regular OB - Dr. Edwards. I was a little worried as I hadn't been feeling the baby around for the past week. It was such a relief to hear the heart beat - at 158bpm.

Another thing that is incredible is knowing that we are now in the home stretch - the second half. Also, knowing that there is a good chance, given my mom's history with babies, that baby is going to show up early, I sort of feel like it's cheating.

I can say that so far pregnancy has been a lot easier in many ways than I thought it would be. The first trimester really had me worried, but the morning sickness and all of that wasn't that bad. I'm not saying feel sick 24/7 was a great way to spend your time, but it wasn't all that bad. I'm still tired most of the time, and waiting for the burst of energy the books keep saying will be coming. The hardest thing so far is scaling back what I want to do to what I'm physically capable of doing being pregnant.

Craving's ... seriously?

2009-06-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

I guess I always had this assumption that the food cravings during pregnancy wouldn't start until the 3rd trimester. I also assumed that they would be for really weird things like the famed pickles and ice cream, you know, something like that.

What I've learned is that being pregnant turns you into a teenage boy. You can open your mouth and shovel food in to this thing they call your stomach, but is actually a black hole, and never actually feel full.

So what have I been craving?

It started with the Original Chicken Sandwich from Burger King. This really wasn't that bad - there is a Burger King about 10 minutes from the house, AND those sandwiches just went down in price (at least here). Now mind you this isn't just any version of this sandwich, it has to have extra mayo. The bad thing was that this was not just the occasional "oh a chicken sandwich sounds good" this was a constant "I NEED a chicken sandwich" - mouth watering, almost daydream sort of thing.

Peanut Butter M&M's - this one is pretty easy to fix, I wish they were cheaper, but I don't have to have a ton of them, just a few and I feel better.

The difficult one, at least so far is the Taco Bell Chalupa craving. It HAS to be a Taco Bell Chicken Supreme Chalupa - not just any thing from Taco Bell. The Taco Bell closest to us doesn't do chalupa's, and that one is only 10 minutes away - soooo it's a 35-45 minute drive there and back to get to the Taco Bell that has them. This craving thus far has been the worst of them. It's an all day thinking about the chalupa thing. A "what to eat?" and the only answer is chalupa thing. Add on top of that that I'm waking up in the middle of the night thinking how good one would be, and even dreaming about them. It's rather annoying to be honest. It's pretty irritating when all you can think of is food.

Add on top of that that I seem to be hungry all the time. I mean I could stuff myself sick at one time, and then an hour later feel like I'm starving again. Waking up feeling like I'm starving in the middle of the night is not as fun as it sounds. If nothing else this kid is well fed, definitely not starving.

I feel sort of bad for Kelley though - any time he asks what I want to eat it's always Taco Bell. He wasn't big on Taco Bell before these insane cravings started, I'm sure he's completely sick of it now. Good thing that the closest Taco Bell is connected to an A&W, and the other is also a Long John Silvers.

Hospitalization update

2009-06-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

(The next few posts are going to be retro-dated to the days I would have posted them had I managed when I wanted to.)

I'm really sorry it's been so long since I've posted, it seems like no matter how little I seem to actually do I have no clue where my time during the day goes. No sooner am I waking up then it appears I'm exhausted, nothing has been done, and heading to bed.

The first thing I figure to let everyone know is that yes, I'm out of the hospital. I really did mean to post on here as soon as I was released, but as I mentioned, time just disappeared.

I was released on Sunday, May 31st, my older younger brother's birthday.

I know that the last post I wrote on Thursday, May 28th mentioned that I was feeling better and thought things would be getting better and going away. That turned out to NOT be the case. Thursday was a pretty good day when compared to the couple before it, but at the time that wasn't saying much.

My surgeon, Dr. Mourelo, wanted to keep me there until he was sure things had gotten better, despite my asking that Thursday if since I was feeling better, couldn't I go home? I'm really glad that he insisted I stay. Thursday night after a little walking around (thinking I was getting better) my pain level shot back out of control. Lets just say demerol shots every 2-4 hours as I needed it were my best friends. I felt bad harassing my nurses every couple of hours moaning from pain asking for pain medication (and a bit like a drug addict) but I really couldn't move or sleep without it. Even with me feeling like I was taking too much pain medication the nurses wanted me to take it more often because they don't like patient pain levels getting as high as I let mine get.

Thursday evening when Dr. Mourelo had come to do his nightly check in with me I'd mentioned the pain was getting worse again, and he told me I was going to have an EDG done Friday. The hope was that I had an ulcer or a tear in my stomach that had been worsened by my throwing up. Friday morning was another hellish morning as far as pain goes. My EDG (tube down the throat into the stomach with a camera to look around) didn't have a set time as I was being squeezed in when they could get me in, so I was staring at the clock waiting to be taken down. I kept hoping it was something as simple as an ulcer so I could get out of the hospital.

Finally, I can't tell you what time, they came to take me down for the EDG. I've had EDG's done before, and they weren't that big of a deal. The first one I remembered the beginning and the end of the EDG - and it's not nice gagging and choking on a tube in your throat. The second one I let them know how bad the first was and they made sure I was under enough not to remember any of it. This EDG was horrible. Because of Bean (the baby) they couldn't put me under too deeply - so I was "there" for the whole damn thing. Not fun, not fun at all. It's a good thing they don't allow you to ingest anything after midnight because I was choking and gagging on the tube the whole time. They kept telling me how good I was doing and all I could do was gag and thing very dirty thoughts about these people. The news at the end was they found nothing - so all of that for nothing.

Dr. Mourelo came down to where the EDG had been done to see what the results turned out to be. At this time I can honestly say I was beginning to wonder if I had lost my mind - "What if the pain is just in my head and there is really nothing wrong?" "What if they don't find what the problem is, or there just isn't a problem?" I mean you spend three days in the hospital and end up with no answers, it was getting scary for me. After consulting with the doc who did the EDG Dr. Mourelo came and let me know it was going to be a busy afternoon.

Within the next two hours I would be taken to have an MRCP (I think that's what he called it) done. I was told that the ultrasound they had done on Wednesday showed a slight enlargement of some duct having to do with my gallbladder - nothing that should be causing the pain I was in - but the MRCP would be a MRI specifically of my gallbladder to see if it was the problem. I guess the ultrasound would only show gallstones, and this was in case it was something else. IF the MRCP showed nothing they could pinpoint Dr. Mourelo would be going in laproscopically with a camera to look and see if he could find the problem. At this point the surgeon felt that if things were going to fix themselves they would have, or I would at least be significantly better. He also felt that it was getting to the point where the danger of leaving things unknown and up in the air were worse than the danger of going in and opening me up.

The MRCP showed nothing big, my gallbladder was slightly enlarged, but that shouldn't cause the pain I was in, so papers were sent up for me to sign to be operated on as soon as the room was ready. Basically they were thinking it could be my gallbladder was that irritated and it just wasn't showing up, and they would probably take it out. He would make a small hole into my stomach, put some air in, insert the camera and look around. If he felt that it was the gallbladder I'd be waking up without one. Kelley was to stay close by so that he could give consent if they needed to do anything big. The plan was to find the problem and fix it if they could. I have to admit it's pretty scary going into surgery and really having no clue exactly what's to happen while you are under.

In the recovery area my first question was if the baby was okay. Which I was told yes, baby was doing fine and hadn't shown any signs of stress during the surgery. The second question was if they found the problem, another yes. All I know was that great to hear, I really had been afraid they wouldn't find anything. The nurse later told me that I teared up talking about how "it wasn't just in my head" - and how apparantly I was the only one who thought I had gone insane.

After getting back to my room up in the OB ward - and finding a new best friend a pain pump I could press up to every ten minutes for pain relief - Dr. Mourelo came up. Basically what I was told happened was that this was a sort of complication from my stomach surgery in December 2007. when they did the surgery in 2007 a hole was created in my bowel area that normally things can move in and out of without problem, I, however had a LOT of scar tissue that had shrunk the opening to this hole. My bowels were going into this area and getting stuck there, getting kinked and twisted, and not being able to get back out. The surgeon had to go in, slowly pull things out of this hole, unkink/unwind them, repair them, and put them back where they should be. He then sutured up the hole that stuff was going into so that things couldn't get back in there. So yeah, my insides were a big mess. I was in pain from having my stomach screwed with, but the amazing thing was that it wasn't the pain I had been in, it was completely different - something that made Dr. Mourelo very happy. I also noticed that night that the really bad muscle spasms I'd been suffering from for about two or three months in my upper back had disappeared - and I was told that could have been from my insides being where they weren't supposed to be.

After that things went pretty smoothly. I was given the option Sunday of going home then, or waiting until Monday, and decided on Sunday night. I was really glad I made that choice as just going home felt better. Sure I missed my pain pump friend, but sleeping in my own bed, and being in my own house was even better than the pain pump. It wasn't an easy first week home, a lot of finding out that insides don't like being screwed around with, and finding out that kittens pouncing on your stomach after surgery don't feel good, but it was great to be home.

I'm feeling much better now. I still have stomach pain when I do certain things, and still have to be careful about over doing things. If I twist or bend too quickly it hurts, but this is so much better than it was, and I know that this is recovery pain and from surgery, not a mystery pain I don't have any clue where it's from or if it's going away.

Update: Might be feeling better

2009-05-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of worried I'm jinxing myself but I'm daring to hope that I might be feeling better.

Had a really really rough night last night and this morning but about seven thirty actually was able to move without too much pain. I was able to sit up without wanting to roll over and die, and was even up to walking in the room a little bit.

Dr. Moreno - the surgeon watching over me - is hoping that if it was an obstruction it has shrunk down a little bit, or moved, or if it was a kink in things that it undid itself - I'm thinking maybe the hiccups I've been getting were my bodies way of straightening moving things back where they should be.

Tummy didn't like me moving around but just being able to get up and walk to me was a huge success. I'm being put on the surgery board for later on today - Dr. Moreno said he has office stuff all day so if I get bad he can push me up, if I get better he can take me off the list. He also said that if things seem really good later he might even let me try to eat something today.

Food - thats a thought. I haven't felt hungry or thirsty since Monday night - which if it was an obstruction the fact that I didn't eat could have saved my life from things rupturing. It's another reason I think I'm starting to feel better - I'm actually starting to think I might be hungry.

Kelley asked if he needed to smuggle in a chicken sandwich (my lastest mad craving) jokingly, and boy oh boy I am soo not that brave. It was nice of him to offer though - it's always good to know that your husband is willing to break the law and smuggle you in what you need (okay want).

Keep Kelley in your thoughts too - the poor guy has had a rough couple days worrying about his wife and baby, and did a great job of not showing it too me. I'm just glad it's me in here, not him because I don't think I could stand to see him dealing with this stuff....

Hospital Stay's suck

2009-05-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

Nope this isn't an everything is great post - I wish it was. Here's the (as brief as I do brief) cliff notes:

Had a great day Monday with Kelley, he had the day off. Ate regularly. Had dinner which was pork chops with potato's (very yummy btw), and about two hours later had a small slice of chocolate pie.

About 20 minutes later I started feeling like crap and barely made it to the bathroom in time for a power puking session. I thought it was just me dumping from the sugar in the pie, because of my stomach surgery. Dealt with it, felt more like crap, went to bed.

Woke up Tuesday feeling like a truck spent the night ramming into my stomach... thinking the pain was from the power puking session I did the normal (stupid I now realize) deal with it, wait for it to go away. The pain got worse, I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I couldn't walk straight, sit up, or do anything except lay on my right side. I went to bed figuring that I'd feel better in the morning, if not I'd call to get seen.

Kelley and I ended up in the ER at 3:30AM. I can say the ER trip was a complete waste, they took two things of blood, ended up cathetering me to get a urine sample, when those came back fine, despite more pain than I'd ever felt, I was told they couldn't/wouldn't help me, and to get seen by my OB when they opened.

We were released from the ER, and headed to SunLife (my OB) at 730AM - thankfully the people there are awesome and saw me right away. After a quick exam - no tests just Dr. Edwards feeling my tummy - Dr. Edwards decides to admit me.

Dr. Edwards thinks that I have an obstruction of some type blocking food and things from going through my organs.

I get to the hospital and get hooked up - thankfully with pain drugs - and one of the general surgeons comes up and we talk.

As of now I've had an ultrasound done of my abdomenon - which came back clear. He thinks it's an obstuction as well of some sort. At the same time while the risk of a CT Scan to the baby is minimal he doesn't want something to end up happening to the baby and us always wondering if it was the scan that did it. SO I'm being kept overnight if the pain doesn't get better sometime tomorrow morning they will open my tummy up a little bit, insert a camera and look and see if they can figure out what the heck hurts so bad.

The baby is fine, and other than being stabbed in the stomach all the time I'm fine. I just figure it never hurts to ask for prayers for me and the baby. Here's hoping that I wake up in the morning and everything is suddenly fine, and everything is great.

Why I hope the baby looks like Kelley...

2009-05-22T15:15:00.001-07:00

Why do anything half way?

2009-05-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks I've been having "sinus fun". I called into my OB's office and was told I could take Benedryl or Claritin to clear up my allergies. No big deal. We go out, get the drugs, I take the drugs, I feel the same. Normally, when "allergy" time hits I get the GOOD drugs - the make it to where no matter what's wrong with you, you don't feel it stuff. The stuff with - SEVERE at the end that has so much medicine in it you HAVE to feel better. Well, the good drugs and pregnancy aren't allowed. I figured I'd just deal with the allergy stuff, and all the fun that goes along with it.

Monday I woke up, and it looked and felt like my left tonsil had decided it was pregnant too. Except it was all hurty and crap. It's just part of the whole allergy deal with me, so I just kinda did the "it'll go away" thing. Yesterday it was really painful (now come on people, you know about my back, I felt the stupid tonsil even with the back pain, and with the medicines for the back pain, it HURT.) My left ear also decided it wanted in on the "make Tammy miserable" game day - so it chimed in. After a week of crappy sleep - I blamed the baby for the hot and cold flashes, they said it's a pregnancy thing - then the whole can't lay this way it hurts the ear/throat/head/body thing, not being able to breathe through my nose which dried out my throat which made it hurt worse, I was miserable yesterday.

I've decided that they are right when they say no one does bitchy/whiny/miserable/complaining/pathetic like a pregnant woman. I've been sick before - but I broke down over it yesterday... BIG time.

I called my OB who said that I need to see if they can fit me in as an appointment today, or go in as a walk-in. No appointments open so I walked in - which wasn't that bad to be honest.

The tech took my blood pressure - great she said. She then took my temperature - not great she says - 101.9 - I think her words were "that's bad, how long have you been running a fever?" I told her I didn't know, we don't have a thermometer, but probably a few days based on the chills. I was then ordered to get a thermometer because fevers and baby's aren't allowed.

Since I had a temperature and a sore throat she took a swab to run the quick strep throat test. Which hurt I might add. Nothing like saying hey, my throat is killing me, it's so raw I'm getting bits of blood in my phlem why not take a swab and hack it to pieces.

The doctor comes in feels my throat - another "not good". Listens to my chest, heart, and breathing - I felt like I deserved a cookie because that was a "sounds good". She bangs my face (yes, ask Kelley a doctor told him that's the technical term for it) - does this hurt? "yeah, can we stop now?" How about here? "If I say no can we stop hurting me?" Doctor talks about how I'm feeling - "Like someone just took a hammer to my forehead." (Doctor found my I'm irritated and in pain sarcasm very funny). She then looks at my ears - one ear good, one ear not as bad as it could have been. Then my throat, doctor points out I wasn't joking when I said my left tonsil was pretty inflamed. (You think?).

We then talk more about my symptoms and just to be on the safe side she decides to run a quick flu test. Now - let me tell you - this flu test sounds easy enough, they swab your nose. What they don't tell you is that they are sending a swab in places in your nose that aren't supposed to be reached. I still don't think my nose has forgiven me for allowing her to violate it that way.

The diagnosis when all is said and done? I do sick GOOD. Strep throat, sinusitis, tonsilitis, and a mild "just starting" ear infection. The good news? It's nothing that good ole penicillin won't cure. The bad news? I'm contagious for 48 hours, so no kissy kissy with Kelley. I'm also freaking miserable, but I did have an excuse to go out and buy popcicles.

Baby window-shopping

2009-05-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

Well, Saturday while Kelley and were up in Phoenix I decided to force him into Babies-R-Us to look at baby stuff. The main reason was that I've been doing a lot of looking online at baby stuff, checking safety ratings and the like, I wanted to actually see some of the stuff that I was looking at.

Another main thing was that I wanted to make sure that Kelley and I were on the same page with some of the things.

One of the things I wanted his opinion on was a baby bath-tub. They make all sorts of styles and such. One style fits around/into the sink, but it doesn't last that long, and is more for the newborn age only. They also have ones that are just a sling thing that holds the baby above the water. I've read lots of reviews saying that baby freezes to death because they aren't in any water at all. We both agreed we want with support, but we also want one that allows the baby to sit in the water.

Another thing is car seats - you would not believe all the car seats out there. They make car seats that are for newborns only. Then they make car seats for 3-6 month olds, then for toddlers, and stuff. You end up buying a car seat for each stage of your babies life. What I want originally is one of the strollers that come with the detachable baby carriers. The thing is they make them now where you can move the carrier from the stroller to the car, and use it as a car seat. They also fit perfectly sitting in cart at the grocery stores. Most of the carriers have great ratings as car seats, and work really well for newborns. As long as the baby fits comfortably it will work. THEN I want to get one of the car seats that hold newborns, have a piece that fits them a little older, then the toddler phase, and they also have the booster seat for until they can sit without it.

We looked at nursery furniture as well - looking at color and type and stuff. We both agreed we don't want dark furniture or ultra light furniture. We think kind of the natural medium finishes. We looked at crib bedding as well and saw one that we liked and may think about.

It was sort of great seeing baby furniture and things, and actually being pregnant, not sitting there and wondering when/if you'll ever be able to get any of it, for yourself.

Happy Mommy Day! (To me) May 10, 2009

2009-05-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

I have to say that it's quite surprising when your hubby pleasantly surprises you.

Friday Tazz (our kitten) got his manlyhoodness de-man-ified. One the way home Kelley needed to stop and pick up some stuff. One of the stops was at Fry's Marketplace where he wanted to pick up some orange juice and vodka - I stayed in the car with the animals. Kelley surprised me with flowers - for mothers day. I was so very very proud of him for realizing this was a mothers day for me. (Think score - major brownie points for the hubby.)

I had even thought awhile ago how this was going to be Kelley's first "Father's Day". Then it occurred to me that it would be mean of me to do anything for him for Father's Day if he didn't think of Mother's Day. Kelley saved me that dilemma.

Then, yesterday, Mother's Day, Kelley made me breakfast in bed, and kept the dogs from bugging me to death so I could sleep in. He also told me "Happy Mother's Day" quite a few times. Kelley was great, and let me get away with whining for a burger king original chicken sandwich - and he got me the sandwich!

I do believe I got our pastor at church, Sammy, in big trouble with his wife. His wife, Marylin, wished me happy mothers day, and I told her about Kelley's breakfast. Then it got to the whole "it's Kelley's first mother's day and he's got the idea, he should be giving out pointers". Wasn't the only one to mention something along those lines.

So, points, and score, for hubby! Not only is he the best husband in the world, but he's already getting the hang of the whole me being a mom thing.

OMG, I look pregnant! May 5, 2009

2009-05-05T12:55:00.001-07:00

Everyone I have talked to talks about how they started "showing" their pregnancy at different times. For some people it was at the six week point, yet with others you couldn't tell they were pregnant until they hit their seventh month.

When I was in Virginia hanging out with family I started having "showing" moments. Really, just moments. One minute I would look like normal Tammy, the next minute there would be a cantaloupe sitting in my tummy. All of my pregnancy books say this is "perfectly normal". Pretty much they said it was bean rearranging furniture in my tummy making him/herself comfortable in there. I guess when you start shoving organs this way and that way food has to learn to go down a little bit differently, and when it's got a couch shoved up against it here or there it takes a little longer to go down.

Then came Saturday. I woke up looking pregnant. Not mildly "oh there's a bump" but wow, she should lay off the Ben and Jerry's. I figured it would disappear, like it had been. Nope - Sunday was more of the same thing. Monday came and I've decided that the bean I'm growing has apparently turned into a watermelon or prize winning pumpkin at the fair. Today, Friday, still got the tummy. Sooo it appears that I am one of the women who's kids decide to show off sooner rather than later. AHH and clothes don't stay on well if you can't button/zipper them, or heck, they just don't go over the bump!

(okay this is not a maternity dress or anything so yeah, it's a little tight, but it fits for now)

I'm not sure how many of you reading this have been pregnant - or dealt with someone who has been pregnant (or is - sorry honey for all the evil you have to look forward too); BUT logic and hormones mix about as well as oil and water. Yup, we have waited eight years for me to have the whole preggo belly - but try explaining that to a woman who's had a bad day, who's back hurts like hell, is on bed rest, and is hormonal. So, yes, "looking like a cow" and pregnancy don't mix very well.

It started as "OMG I look like a cow" then turned into "no, I look like the monster that ate the herd of cows". Lets just say I broke down just a little bit. I think the hardest thing was knowing that I spent the past 15 years of my life attempting to lose weight, trying desperately to lose weight, and now I'm "supposed" to be happy that I'm bigger than the Goodyear Blimp. Forgive me, but at the time, it just didn't happen. Yup - I had finally gotten to a weight I was comfortable at, a look I was comfortable with, and suddenly the great pumpkin has decided to take up lodging in my stomach.

Realistically, yes, I knew it was the baby. Have you ever tried explaining ~realistic~ to a pregnant hormonal woman? Add in emotions, a mirror, a rough day, and yeah, you get the picture. Realistic/Logical and pregnant are words that really shouldn't be used in the same sentance.

Today, on the other hand, and most days since, I've been thrilled to look pregnant. It means bean is in there moving around, getting the house organized the way he/she wants it. Setting up shot for the long haul. It means I'm pregnant - and thank God, it looks like I'm staying that way until bean gets tired of looking at the same scenerey.

Thank goodness for mommies thinking well ahead of time! When mom was here in March she bought me a maternity dress that was on clearance, I haven't tried that on yet... BUT she bought me a pair of tan maternity shorts - I didn't think I'd need them for say six more months...

Other good things about the preggo belly? Well, duh, I'm pregnant. (Yay! Happy dance here.) Also, it's like having your own personal TV tray everywhere that you go. I just sit down and BAM! (Said in my best Emeril voice.) It's a portable dining room table. PLUS - now we can play chess on the go. I'm pretty sure a chess board would sit up there quite nicely.

(okay, again, not a maternity shirt, just one that fit, no comments on falling out the top - big boobage is another pregnancy side effect, I bet guys just HATE that)

Seriously, though, Today I'm stoked. Today I'm thinking "kid is making himself comfy". Today I'm thinking "I'm pregnant". Right now there is this little person inside of me that is part Kelley, part me. There is a little person (even if they look more like an alien life form) inside of me that is a living, breathing, being with a heart beat, a brain, blood flowing through their system. There is a little person in there that will one day enter this world, and cry, and drive Kelley and I crazy. A little person in there that is already thinking, is already feeling. There is a little person in there that will need diapers changed, and bottles fed, books read to him, baths, school, rides, a drivers license, a cap and gown, the whole deal.

How do you not wake up each morning and go to bed at night not thanking God for a miracle like that? Today, I look pregnant. Today, I am pregnant. Today I'm still married to the most wonderful man I've ever known. Tomorrow is the first day of my second trimester. How does life get beter than this?

ALSO - if anyone has any size Large maternity clothes hanging around... I could use them. I think that's also size 12/14ish.

Attempting the impossible...

2009-05-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

So, Kelley and I have decided that yes, we are going to have a "nursery".  The problem is the room we plan to use as the nursery is, well, a disaster area.  Seriously, I'm sure if the government saw it we would qualify for federal disaster relief money.

I'm just over three months pregnant, which means we have about six months to make miracles happen.  By "We", I mean Kelley.  Seeing as how right now I'm not allowed to do anything.  Plus, the six months is only the "estimated due date" bean could decide to show up whenever the heck he wants.

SO - this is the "before" picture.  I plan on putting up progress pictures as we go along.  There will be a lot more put up here I'm sure once we actually start getting things, and we know whether we have "snakes and snails" or "sugar and spice" coming.

Wish us luck, I have no clue where we are going to start.

12w6d Ultrasound

2009-05-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

No, we didn't find out if it was a boy or a girl, it's still too early for that.

The reason for this ultrasound was to do a NT Test or Nuchal Translucency Test - The test is done to check your risk of Downs Syndrome, something called Trisomy 13, and something called Trisomy 18. Woo hoo - and no I'm not making this up - I literally just got the phone call from Obstetrix (my high risk OB office, who did the test) and I scored an A++. Based on my age my chances of delivering a baby with Downs Syndrome is 1 in 210, based on the test my chances are less than 1 in 10,000. Based on my age the chances of having a baby with Trisomy 13 or 18 was 1 in 510, based on the test the chances are now less than 1 in 10,000. YAY!

The best thing about this ultrasound was that Kelley was there. He got to see the baby for the first time, and see and hear the heart beat. I didn't really get to "see" the baby for the 6 week ultrasound that they did, but I got to see a heart beat and that there was something there. I can't tell you how cool it is to be able to look up at a screen and see a life that is growing inside of you, just the difference 6 weeks has made is incredible.

It was also amazing being there getting to see Kelley seeing the baby. It was hard for me to choose what to watch, Kelley's face, or the baby on the screen. The ultrasound tech was also trying to get the best picture for the NT Test, so he pounded on the baby a little bit by bumping my tummy with the ultrasound thing, and we got to see the baby move in reaction, that was also way cool.

Our bean now actually kinda looks like a person - or at least he doesn't look like a blob anymore. Sort of looks like one of those drawings they show of what aliens should look like - big, huge heads, and tiny little bodies. We could see arms and legs, which was way cool. Got to see the arms move (I think he was flipping off the tech for waking him up), and see him switch positions.

(Yes I am aware I'm referring to our baby as a "him". We don't know the sex of the baby yet, but I have a feeling baby will be a boy, and I just don't like calling bean "it".)

So here are the pictures that were taken.

How's my pregnancy treating me?

2009-04-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I feel damn lucky, as far as the pregnancy "symptoms" or "side effects".

I know that I'm more emotional, but thus far (and I'm sure those around me are thanking their lucky stars) I think it's been pretty good. I can say I'm crying a lot easier than I normally would, and that being separated from Kelley for three weeks sucked, but thus far I'm not going schitzo or anything. I haven't flipped out pissed off on anyone, yet. I've come close, and caught myself a few times, but thus far no murdering people, or going off the handle. I'm finding myself crying over stupid things, and shows that normally wouldn't bug me. I mean, yeah, I'm a girl, I'm emotional, but some of this stuff irritates me knowing I'm bawling like a baby over it.

The dreaded nausea and vomiting - yes, morning sickness is here. I do have to say they really need to find a new name for it - morning sickness is not morning sickness. Morning sickness is more (at least for me) like all day, all night, every moment, all the time, non-stop sickness. The good news is I'm not projectile, across the room, hitting the walls vomiting. There are times I wish that I was throwing up, as I think it would make me feel better, but so far I'm keeping most things down. I can say that the all day stomach not liking food and making me feel miserable for eating can go, and I'll have no problem with it.

This baby is apparently a VERY picky eater. Foods that I've loved for years I'm finding myself getting sick to my stomach just thinking about eating. At the same time, foods that I haven't liked, EVER, are suddenly good. For example, Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip cookies, I've hated, the soft ones are okay, but the hard crunchy ones I have never cared for. NEVER! There was a point where that was all that would calm my stomach down if it was upset. I wish I could think of the other foods, because there have been some weird ones - and I'm not even in the "cravings" phase yet. OHHH - BACON! I can't stand the smell of bacon cooking - and I love me some bacon! I can eat all the bacon I want, but if I'm going to be cooking it I end up needing to cover my face with something it's so weird!

Now to the more icky - guys feel free to quit reading here, probably safer for you - things. Breasts, boobs, boobies, whatever you want to call them. Yup - they get bigger, and they get more sensitive. You would think that them getting cold would be cold - but noooo they get cold and it feels like they are burning and on fire, and it does not feel good. I had finally thought that my boobies were shrinking and now it's like saying "supersize me" - JEEZE. (Yeah, I bet Kelley is so complaining, here).

What else - dreams. This is one they didn't warn me about. Lets just say my dreams are very vivid, and of a whole new caliber than I'm used to. It's like my dreams going from black and white to technicolor, high def, with surround sound. Some of them are like horror flicks, or super romance novels, or a couple hours on the playboy channel. So womens - beware! Guys - if your wives get the XXX rated ones - feel lucky.

Tiring - yes. I've never been a huge napper, now I find it hard to make it through the day without one. I look around at the house and it's dirty and keep thinking that I should really clean it up, and just sort of get exhausted thinking about cleaning it. Poor Kelley is probably wondering when I went from 18 hour bedtime hours to 24 hour times in bed. He's also liable to end up starving if I can't start pulling myself together and figure out a way to not sleep through when I should be cooking his dinner. So, yeah, I get tired pretty damn easy. It's sort of annoying, and exhausting being exhausted all the time.

Well I guess that's it for now.

So... challenges with my pregnancy.

2009-03-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

For those following this you know that Kelley and I have wanted to get pregnant for a very long time. We also knew that getting pregnant would have it's own sets of challenges and trials.

My first appointment with an obstetrician was pretty quick, and she knew enough to know that I needed to see a peri-natal specialist. What is a peri-natal specialist? Someone who specializes in high risk pregnancies, which, I am.

There are quite few issues and things that we covered, and I would say that Dr. Dickson definitely made me feel better about a lot of my worries.

One of my worries was my pain medication for my back. I've been taking pain medication for a long time for my back problems, and would be willing to stop taking it all if it meant the safety or health of the baby, Dr. Dickson however feels that my coming off of the medication would be more dangerous for the baby than my staying on it.

Basically the biggest worry we have due to the pain medication is the baby being born dependent on the medication. I was worried that the pain medication would cause birth defects, or other such problems, but there are no studies showing such things. Also, my coming off of the pain medication, and my pain going up the way it does when I can't get a break from it, is more dangerous for the baby than anything else. Pain, from what I was told, can cause miscarriages, pre-term birth, AND birth defects. My blood pressure goes up with pain, which also causes it's own defects, and can cause heart problems, and stuff like that. So, the pain medication is not going anywhere.

We were also concerned about my nerve pain medication, also used to help insomnia and as an anti-depressant. I was told to get off of this medication ASAP - I was told that, again, there is nothing showing that the amitriptylene causes any problems. It's classified as a class D medication because a medication similiar to it caused a problem. So, again, a huge relief.

Next, my gastric bypass surgery. There are issues that come with it, one is the malabsorbtion issues with food and medications - I was told that seeing as how I can eat a good amount, and my weight is steady I should be okay. I need to make sure I'm getting in my protein and water, but as long as I do that it's good. I was put on a chewable prenatal vitamin just in case my pouch couldn't absorb the whole huge prenatal pill. I will say the chewable is NASTY, disgusting, gross, ucky, EWWW, and I find myself trying to find anything strong to wash it down with to get rid of the flavor.

The biggest problem is that people who have had gastric bypass surgery is there is evidence of an increased risk of late term miscarriages. Meaning that at 7 months people have lost their babies out of the blue. I am very glad that Dr. Dickson knew this, as I had never heard it before, and no one I had talked to had either. Dr. Dickson's solution is that starting at 30 weeks they will start monitoring the fluid levels in the womb - whatever the water pouch is called - and they will start doing weekly, or if needed, bi-weekly stress tests on the baby. Basically making sure the baby is reacting the way they want him/her to be. He said that the moment he thinks something isn't looking right, he'll pull the baby. It sucks to think of all this, but at the same time, this doctor is on the ball, he knows what he's doing and I'm glad he does.

Now - a huge concern is my back, and how it's going to play in all this, and how the baby is going to play in the part of my back. My back shouldn't pose any problems to the baby - the baby very well could to my back. At the same time, with my spine being as unstable as it is, reaching up to grab a plate from the cubbard could cause a problem to my back.

Yes, there is talk of a wheelchair later on during the pregnancy, there is talk about being put on bedrest for extended periods of time, but at the same time, my back could handle the pregnancy great and I could be fine. There is discussion and concern over regular vaginal delivery versus a c-section. The concern is that regular delivery could very easily be the straw that broke the camels back, BUT it could be fine. It's just like every day life for me, anything could set my back off, or it could be fine. So, what all my current doctors are telling me is that it's going to come down to how my back handles being pregnant. The choice is there for what I want, and we'll see when we get there. I've had other doctors talk about not even considering a regular delivery, so hearing the doctors now telling me it's up in the air, feels good.

Dr. Dickson has asked, and expressed, that he would like our baby delivered in Tucson, where his main office is located. He feels that Tucson Medical Center will be better equipped for any complication that may arise than Casa Grande Regional Medical Center is. Mainly - the baby being born dependent on my pain mediation and going through the withdrawal symptoms and such.

Right now - that's really it. I'm not freaking out worried about anything, anymore. The things that I was super freaked about, I now feel better about.

First ultrasound!

2009-03-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, first appointment with my peri-natal specialist, BUT I got my first ultrasound then.

To be honest, I was upset, and cheered. I knew Kelley would have wanted to be there if we'd known that they would be doing the first ultrasound, which was a bummer, at the same time, this would promise that there was indeed a baby in there.

There *IS* a baby in there! My understanding, from what the ultrasound tech told me, is that the baby is inside the grey-white blob, that is inside the black blob. From what I remember looking at, and being told, the very bright white dot, inside the grey blob is the heart - or at least that was what was beating when the tech said "that's the heartbeat".

I have to say that having it confirmed that there was indeed a baby in there, was great. Up until this point I kept waiting for the big bomb that I really wasn't pregnant. I really wasn't pregnant, or they'd get in there and there would be something wrong, something like that. Seeing the baby, THERE, with a beating heart beat, THERE, was awesome. I had tears in my eyes, and couldn't take my eyes off of the screen. The only thing that would have been better would have been having Kelley there for it.

We're Pregnant!

2009-03-06T19:04:00.000-08:00

First, this post is a little belated. (It's actually April 27th - but I'm starting this as if I started it the day we found out.)

Kelley and I are pregnant!

So, I was late, no big deal. I've been late before. I've been REALLY late before. I've been late before with all the symptoms of being pregnant. I didn't feel pregnant, and to be honest, with all the times my hopes have been gotten up, and come crashing down, I didn't think I was pregnant. I do however have a very over active imagination, and of course, one day late and I start hoping. It's hard not to get your hopes up when you want something so bad.

Every day for me was a battle of will power. I knew that my time of the month was coming, she was just taking her damn sweet time doing it. Last time I took a pregnancy test I peed on the damn stick, and started my period at the same time. To me it was wasted money.

After rolling it over in my head a few times, and deciding I really should test just to shut my over-active imagination up, I bought a pack of tests. No - no - not just a test, a three pack. I've been here before. You buy a test, you need to buy another test next time you get your hopes up that you're pregnant, so since it's cheaper to buy in bulk, I bought a three pack.

I finally convinced myself to take the test - I knew how to do it - I've done a million of them. So I take the test, wait the allotted time and check - nothing. I don't mean a negative, I mean nothing. The way most tests work is you get a control line showing the test worked, and then the other line or plus sign saying you are pregnant or nothing if you aren't. I got nothing. No control line at all. DAMNIT. Now I have to wait longer to get my sobbing over with.

Later on that night, I figured what the hell, I'm about to take a shower, I can test, get my negative, get my crying done in the shower, and no one will be the wiser that I broke down again because I want to be pregnant so bad.

I take the test, get my stuff together, start the water, am about to jump in, and remember the test. I look at the test - and to be honest felt like I was looking at an alien life form. I've done a bazillion pregnancy tests and NEVER have I gotten a second line. So picture me, butt naked, holding a stick I've peed on in my hand, shaking like a scrawny tree in a hurricane. Finally, I decide I'm an idiot this must be one of the tests where you aren't looking for two lines, you are after a plus symbol or something. Wait, not it's not, I READ the directions. SO - smart me decides to look at the directions.

Smart me suddenly can't read. I'm still naked, still holding the peed stick, and staring back and forth at this piece of paper that says two lines means pregnant and I have two lines. Yeah, normally 1 + 1 = 2. Not today. I can't say how long I stood their like and idiot trying to figure out what was going on.

The next thing I remember I yell for Kelley, it meant to sound like "hey I need you for a second", and instead it came out like "I'm dying in here" and all I did was yell Kelley's name. Kelley came back pretty quickly, and all I can do is shove the test at him. Can't talk, because I'm still waiting for the "you called me back here for a negative pregnancy test" comment to come out of his mouth. I hand him the directions, and he stares at the directions and the test, sort of doing what I was doing just looking much cuter and less naked (naked would have been better I think).

Kelley looks at me with his eyes all big, tears starting to form, and he starts to giggle. If you've ever heard Kelley giggle, it's about the cutest - greatest sound you can hear. It's not the sound you expect this big, buff, broad shouldered guy to make, but it's great. Then he's half crying half giggling, and it occurs to me "he see's a positive test too".

My mom was visiting us at the time, and she heard me yell for Kelley. So I know that she thinks something is going wrong with me. Kelley being the sensible guy that he is figures we should go tell her. I walk out to the dining room, hand her the test and the directions (maybe she'll straighten us out and both Kelley and I are idiots). Not sure what she said, other than congratulations.

I decided I should probably go take my shower. Now, for those that know me, you know I have (as mentioned) an over-active imagination. I'm sitting in the shower, quite dumbfounded, and a thought occurs to me. A very worrying thought. The first test showed no lines at all. Maybe the second test is showing two lines because it's broken too. I start crying because I'm worried I got Kelley all excited and happy, and I just bought a bunch of broken tests. So after my shower, I tell him what I suspect. You can see him running it through in his head too. It's a good thing that I bought a three pack. My bright idea is to test again and since the other two cancel each other out, then this should be a "working" test.

Hoping I can pee again, I trudge into the bathroom. After a little bit I manage to pee - and before the control line even finishes showing up I'm seeing a positive test line. It hits me - "there's a really good possibility that I'm pregnant."

Of course Kelley was eccstatic. Me, I was scared out of my mind. I made up my mind to call in to make an appointment to get tested first thing in the morning. The doctors would have working pregnancy tests. They were doctors after all.

I call in the morning and was told just to walk in whenever. So I did.

Talk about being scared. I'd told my husband I'm pregnant. I've told Kelley the one thing we've both been praying to hear for eight years and I just couldn't believe it was true. I had told Kelley we were pregnant and now the doctor was about to tell me that the tests were wrong and I'm not. How I would react to that I had no idea.

I get called back to pee in their cup, and do the deed. I let the nurse know the sample is ready, and she tells me it'll be 10-15 minutes and she'll call me back for their nurse to let me know. I'm thinking "15 minutes, your tests have to be better than the home tests and that takes 3". I'm sitting in the lobby, wondering why it's taking so long. The chick knew that we'd been wanting a baby for a long time, maybe it's bad news and she's getting someone to break it to me easy - she's getting the "bad news" lady.

I get called back and she gives me a really weak smile. She takes me to the room and tells me that "Vinnie" will be back in a few minutes to give me the results. She asks the first date of my last period - and I tell her. In my head I'm thinking "she's figuring out how late I am to decide if they need to make an appointment to figure out why my periods are messed up". I'm sitting in the room and have firmly decided I'm not pregnant. I tell myself "she wouldn't have smiled at all if it was bad news, she wouldn't have".

Vinnie comes in, and asks how I'm doing. I told her it depended on what the piece of paper in her hand said. She asked me "do you want a baby?" I told her the truth, "we've been wanting a baby for eight years and this was the closest we've come". So, Vinnie looks at me and smiles and tells me the test was positive. I can't tell you how incredible that was to hear, words don't exist to describe it.

So, we're pregnant. After eight years, countless prayers, gaining hope and having it taken away time and time again, Kelley and I are pregnant, for real.

My due date is November 7th, 2009. I'm 5 weeks pregnant.